This “secret” website is my personal diary.
I have been struggling emotionally and mentally for a while – Ups and downs dating back to 2017 (link). Most recently, there were moments I walked the line between life and death. Part of the recovery and rebuild process is collecting thoughts and feelings as they happen. Very quickly things became scattered on various computers, note pads, my phone, different cameras, living spaces and places. With this, I can compile my thoughts in one place for better review and analysis, either from myself or a professional.
Is this an excessive overreaction to a breakup? Possibly….probably. I’ve learned through life and therapy that I overreact when I’m shut out, stonewalled and feel like my voice isn’t heard.
I have a tendency to over-explain things and apparently it’s some type of “trauma response”. Still working on the source of this too….until then, I’ll continue to over-explain.
Motivations
Accountability
Ultimately, I owe it to myself to be better and never repeat the same mistakes again. I hurt someone I deeply loved and cared about more than myself. It probably didn’t show externally, with what I was battling inside my head and heart. There is a big part of me that feels like I owe it to Cris. I can never make up for some of the things I did but it still feels like I owe it to her to be the best version of myself….better than the version of Owen she fell in love with before darkness took over inside me.
I have never been a person to publicly display their goals and ambitions, so this is out of character for me to be posting these thoughts and feelings online. With this display, it adds another layer of accountability to keep promises to myself. I spoke about this in an audio note (add audio note here).
Overcompensating
I’ve been told I’m overcompensating for past experiences and there are a few I could point to. A friend once found a letter I wrote that was not addressed to them – it was addressed to an ex girlfriend. They decided to read it anyway. When they told me, they said it was “manipulative” and “scary”. I’m not surprised that’s how they felt after reading the letter. I regretfully burned it instead of re-reading it and talking about it.
It’s not fair to make judgment on one single letter without context of that time in my life, what happened in that relationship and the purpose of that letter. I kept it to remind me of my growth from that time. In that relationship, I learned and developed very toxic behaviour from living with an extremely vindictive person – I never experienced this before. I learned to protect myself by verbally attacking back. I learned how to out manipulate a very manipulative person. I contributed to the toxicity as much as they did. I made no attempt to change that behaviour during that relationship and became disgusted with myself in the process. I continued contributing to the verbal attacks until it ended in a Christmas Eve firestorm – with my ex verbally berating me AND my family, in person, after our family dinner.
In my relationship with Cris, I approached it thinking the awful behaviours developed in that toxic relationship were resolved and behind me. Unfortunately, they resurfaced in the most awful way on March 13th, 2024 and January 25th, 2025. I hurt someone I love deeply…twice and after making a promise to never do it again after the first time. My phone turned in to a weapon and I assaulted her with awful words intended to harm. I tried to cut as deep as possible and regretfully achieved that mission – mental breakdown and alcohol is no excuse.
There are things I wasn’t %100 honest with everyone in my life (including myself), like my problems with alcohol when I was by myself and no one is “watching”, as well as my struggles with mental health. I wouldn’t “lie” but I definitely was not fully forthcoming about what I was doing when it went unnoticed, in plain sight and no one asked questions. I’m still not sure why I wasn’t honest with these thing. Perhaps it was fear of judgment and shame, or feeling like I’m not heard when I did speak up. Whatever the reason, it was not good or healthy to hide these things. It ultimately caused damage to myself and my relationship with Cris.
There were situations with Cris when I was accused of being deceitful or lying. I was not…and was confused where these accusations came from. Perhaps from hiding the alcohol? But that didn’t happen until much later. In conversations, I would ask how these “clues” to the accusation are connected and explain why they are nothing to worry about. But you can’t say that because a “narcissist says that”, so it made me a “narcissist” for suggesting that they were not seeing things as they are and connecting things that have no relation.
So…the “overcompensation”, making a diary accessible to whoever might need to read it, is that the whole picture will eventually be available to view. Not one single letter. Not tiny bread crumbs that can be misinterpreted to mean something it doesn’t. I understand the inherent biases in a single person curating their thoughts and feelings – I wish Cris was willing to contribute so I can have a more balanced perspective. But attempting to document this alone is better than someone discovering a slice of history.
Lack of closure in relationship
Cris is a far more mentally stronger person than I am. She has the ability to cut ties walk away from anything. There’s elements of self-protection and just being the most stubborn person I know but she has the ability to mentally sustain things I do not.
Our relationship ended with my inferno level meltdown and there was zero opportunity for us both to have the closure we deserve. This might be more for my own personal feelings. Maybe Cris just doesn’t care and has the mental strength to create that mental wall. I want Cris and myself to remember our relationship for the good and the potential that I saw when we were physically together. I want her to remember me for me, the Owen she loved – and not the monster I became in the end, self-sabotaging themselves with alcohol, isolation and not seeking the professional help needed for my dark inner thoughts.
I hope that this might inspire her to tell me how she felt, how she viewed our relationship and how I was near the end…I still don’t know how see felt. I still don’t know how I ended up where I did inside my head.
The good version of me that she saw was the real me and I’m trying to rediscover that person. Her answers to my questions will help me get back to being me. It might be too late for our relationship but it’s not too late to repair myself. Fixing things is my nature – Cris even called me a modern day rebel for that quality.