Written Saturday, April 19th after speaking with Cris’s boyfriend on the phone.
Before you read this, I want to acknowledge that over the last few months, my texts and emails did more harm than good. My attempt to make amends, has been erratic, emotionally inconsistent, self-centered, and failed to fully recognize the pain I caused you. This letter is not a continuation of previous attempts to communicate. I am trying to be the sincere, caring and thoughtful Owen you know I am at my core. I’m trying to apologize with mental clarity I haven’t experience since I temporarily stopped drinking alcohol in the spring of 2024. Your BF also said/implied that my attempt at communication has been to “get back together”. I want to be clear that I my desire for contact has purely been to talk and nothing beyond that.
I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting (took 5 weeks off work), and I want to write to you with the respect and care you deserve. My previous messages were too focused on my own mental confusion and deep inner pain – inner pain that I projected outwards towards you. My messages lacked empathy towards you for the damage I did to your heart. I am sorry for that.
I should have never asked you to carry the weight of helping me process my feelings after we broke up—especially after the hurt I caused. You were right for what you said in your email asking me to stop calling, even if I felt like filling in huge knowledge gaps would help your pain.
I have been trying to take responsibility for the emotional damage I caused on January 25th/26th. Most of the things I said that day were to deliberately hurt you and they were not true. You were right that I was childish. I over reacted and lashed out because of my inability to process my emotions.
There are many specific moments and things I’m sorry for and carry deep regret. Like when I yelled on the phone in April 2024. I remember exactly where I was standing in Grimsby on Main Street. We resolved it immediately, and I wrote about it in our relationship vows book. That book helped us make a lot of positive, lasting changes—until I regretfully convinced myself I could control my drinking late summer and started again, slowly unwinding the progress we made together.
Or choosing to drink alcohol when I knew it was mentally distancing me from you. Or when I drank and became an asshole the night of your birthday lunch, when I was fixing the boat for winter.
There are many other moments, and listing them would make this letter overwhelming. I’ve been writing about them in this journal project, not to justify them, but to understand where they came from and their impact on us individually and our relationship.
My poor attempts at reconciliation after my January 25th meltdown, through my erratic emails and texts were not fair and didn’t truly consider how hurtful my written words have been. Reading them with my therapist has helped me understand how they were confusing, emotionally abusive and emotionally manipulative. Even when I had good intentions to repair damage, I continued to cause damage. My intentions and learning those habits from my last relationship does not matter. That can not be used to justify the words I chose.
The stress I put myself under in autumn, chaos I unintentionally created in my life or the circumstances around our relationship is not an excuse for my reactions either. Those were my burdens to bear and it was unfair to direct my frustrations towards you. The way I responded was awful and careless—I made you feel emotionally unsafe, and often blamed you for how I felt. That is my fault. I’m truly sorry.
I’ve been continuing to work with my therapist, but I know that extensive introspection, insight and regaining mental clarity since quitting alcohol permanently on January 27th does not erase the impact of my behaviour. The work to change how I express myself (especially when I’m mentally not well or stressed), rediscover the me you first met and repair my inner wounds, is my daily mission going forward. I refuse to allow monsters in my garden anymore (polar bears, alligators and robots are allowed).
Even though you threw away the diary/vows book we started together, I have picked up where we left off. This time, I’m taking that journey alone and honouring the promises made and broke.
I told you once that I saw all the loving and wonderful character traits I admired in my mother, inside of you. I also told you during the period I stopped drinking alcohol in the spring of 2024 that I aspired to never make the mistakes my dad and her next husband did. I failed that promise and I emulated the history I desperately wanted to avoid.
I have not been trying to ask for forgiveness or to reopen our relationship or trying to be life partners. I accepted it was over when I finally became sober on the 27th of January.
I just need you to know that I recognize how I failed. I’m trying to become the wonderful person you know, all day every day, instead of only being that Owen when life is easy.
If there is ever a time when you feel open to sharing how I hurt you or share anything you want from your life, I will always hold space in my heart for that, wherever I am in my life.
Wishing you mended dragon wings and the peace I didn’t have the ability to provide.
With love.
Forever.
–
Owen