This “secret” website is my personal diary.
I have been struggling emotionally and mentally for a while. Part of the recovery process is collecting thoughts and feelings as they happen. Very quickly things became scattered on various computers, note pads, my phone, different cameras, living spaces and places. With this, I can compile my thoughts in one place for better review and analysis, either from myself or a professional.
Motivations
I’ve been told I’m overcompensating for past experiences and there are a few. A friend once found a letter I wrote that wasn’t addressed to them – it was addressed to an ex girlfriend. They decided to read it anyway. When they told me, they said it was “manipulative” and “scary”. I’m not surprised that’s how they felt.
It’s not fair to make judgment on one single letter without context of that time in my life, what happened in that relationship and the purpose of that letter. I kept it to remind me of my growth from that time. In that relationship, I learned and developed very toxic behaviour from living with an extremely vindictive person. I learned to protect myself by attacking back. I learned how to out manipulate a very manipulative person. I contributed to the toxicity as much as they did – and was often disgusted with myself.
In my relationship with Cris, I approached it thinking the awful behaviours developed in that toxic relationship were resolved and behind me. Unfortunately, they resurfaced in the most awful way on March 13th, 2024 and January 25th, 2025. I hurt someone I love deeply…twice and after making a promise to never do it again after the first time. My phone turned in to a weapon and I assaulted her with awful words intended to harm – mental breakdown and alcohol is no excuse.
There are things I wasn’t %100 honest with everyone in my life, like my problems with alcohol when I was by myself and no one is “watching”, as well as my struggles with mental health. I wouldn’t “lie” but I definitely was not fully forthcoming about what I was doing when it went unnoticed in plain sight and no one asked questions. I’m still not sure why I wasn’t honest with these thing. Perhaps it was fear of judgment and shame, or feeling like I’m not heard when I did speak up. Whatever the reason, it was not good or healthy to hide these things. It ultimately caused damage to myself and my relationship with Cris.
There were situations in that relationship when I was accused of being deceitful or lying. I was not…and was confused where these accusations came from. Perhaps from hiding the alcohol? But that didn’t happen until much later. In conversations, I would ask how these “clues” to the accusation are connected and explain why they are nothing to worry about. But you can’t say that because a “narcissist says that”, so it made me a “narcissist” for suggesting that they were not seeing things as they are and connecting things that have no relation.
So…the “overcompensation”, making a diary accessible to whoever might need to read it, is that the whole picture will eventually be available to view. Not one single letter. Not tiny bread crumbs that can be misinterpreted to mean something it doesn’t. I understand the inherent biases in a single person curating their thoughts and feelings. Doing this is better than discovering a slice of history.
Lack of closure in relationship
Cris is a far more mentally stronger person than I am. She has the ability to cut ties walk away from anything. There’s elements of self-protection and just being the most stubborn person I know but she has the ability to mentally sustain things I do not.
Our relationship ended with my inferno level meltdown and there was zero opportunity for us both to have the closure we deserve. This might be more for my own personal feelings. Maybe Cris just doesn’t care and has the mental strength to create that mental wall. I want Cris and myself to remember our relationship for the good and the potential that I saw when we were physically together. I want her to remember me for me, the Owen she loved – and not the monster I became in the end, self-sabotaging themselves with alcohol, isolation and not seeking the professional help needed for my dark inner thoughts.
I hope that this might inspire her to tell me how she felt, how she viewed our relationship and how I was near the end…I still don’t know how see felt. I still don’t know how I ended up where I did inside my head.
The good version of me that she saw was the real me and I’m trying to rediscover that person. Her answers to my questions will help me get back to being me. It might be too late for our relationship but it’s not too late to repair myself. Fixing things is my nature – Cris even called me a modern day rebel for that quality.