50 First Dates on a Christmas Eve
Not Writing, and Why
I haven’t written or recorded voice journals at all since since I lost my job on Cris’s birthday. Not for personal diary or this diary website. It’s honestly felt like every time I’ve even considered or thought about writing, it just seems like there’s been so much to think about that it’s difficult to narrow down to specific topics without being my somewhat erratic self in regards to my train of thought. So the easiest route has been to just not write, and just take action.
Another First Date, and a Small Moment of Growth
I just came back from a date. A first with someone new…and it’s probably the 50th first date this year—if not the 50th, pretty damn close. And I guess that also depends on what constitutes a date (I counted somewhere in the mid 40’s?). There was a moment that signified so much growth for me. It might seem small or trivial, but to me, it meant progress.
We were sitting in my dad’s car before going in to the second place of the night. We were talking about emotional regulation and conflict resolution in relationships. She randomly said to me that there were two traffic instances on the drive together that her ex-boyfriend would have had a full blown meltdown, but I was calm like nothing happened. I accepted the compliment but told her that I do still get frustrated in traffic, but it’s like a level 1 or 2 compared to a 9 or 10 before. Small thing, but it mattered and felt nice to be acknowledged.
The Short Version (Work, Lawyers, and Limbo)
I’m not sure what to write or update… guess the short version is:
I’m still dealing with employment lawyers for what happened at work. I can’t say much other than the employment lawyers are doing their thing.
Wales: The Wedding, the Travel, the Weather
I went to Wales for my friend Dominic’s wedding, and it was a crazy busy trip. I was everywhere, and I never really slept in one place for two nights in a row. A couple times, I was basically bouncing around from place to place for 12 days.
It was a fantastic trip. Weather was terrible. Typical for the winters there. The few days that the sun was out, I was wandering around with no shirt on just to get the sun in. A cool eight degrees felt like summertime after leaving Hamilton in minus 10.
Considering Starting Over (Again)
And I’m seriously considering restarting life over there. I always told myself that if I ever was to look for a new job or go through that process for whatever reason, that I might as well do it over there. Because although I hate the winter there, and much prefer our winters in Ontario, I enjoy daily life there a lot more, even without alcohol.
Sobriety, Temptation, and Choosing Not to Drink
And actually, on that point, it’s been 11 months since I quit. And the only time (well, one of the very few times) that I’ve been tempted was the day I landed in London. Seeing all the traditional style cask ales and being reminded of all of the beer adventures, exploring all new beers when I used to live there, it made me want to relive some of that experience. But I did not drink anything, and I relived that experience with non-alcoholic beers. It’s been a massive explosion of delicious non-alcoholic beers.
So I was fine, and the trip went amazing. Too many highlights to mention.
Missing Cris, and the Weight of Absence
There were definitely some lowlights as well. And the lowlights were the times where I was thinking about Cris—about how I would imagine what it would be like taking her there and showing her all the places that I love, and exploring new places with her, and going to new castles and going through the hills and valleys, and showing her all the beautiful things of Wales.
There was a night in England, in Manchester, where I was staying with my friend Danny in a hotel. I was just falling asleep, and I was crying to myself, tears rolling down my eyes uncontrollably. And I went outside and started writing a poem about how my eyes and my heart rain as much as the places I’ve been. And it rained everywhere over there.
There were dozens of times I would pause and just start tearing up because I wished I could have brought Cris with me. One night, I was visiting castles in the dark and jumping fences to go inside the ones I could. While driving through crazy amazing roads in the middle of the night in the rain, I pulled over because I was crying harder than the rain. I recorded a 30-ish minute video diary and just vented… pouring my heart out.
The House, the Contractor, and Trying to Have a Life
Things with the house are moving along great. Haven’t dealt with this shitty contractor assholes yet, but I’m very close to the finish line. Obviously, I’m way behind what I hoped, both because of the shitty-ass contractor fucking around with stuff in the summertime, as well as me trying to have some type of social and dating life. I learned from my experience with Cris that I can’t make my entire life about being productive and working on projects, and that I need to have social interaction and be with other people.
I’m also making time for other people—both family and friends—and going on dates with new people. And doing all that kind of stuff that cuts into time to work on this house project. But I knew I’d still make it before the deadline, and I’m in good shape to do that right now.
What’s Left to Finish
It’s just a lot of small, piddly things. The only big project left is to finish the kitchen countertops. I’m making them with reclaimed hardwood—the same style that I did for Cris’s desk (the tabletop for Cris’s desk). So I’m going to do the kitchen countertops like that. And then when that’s done, I have to install the kitchen sink.
The bathroom vanity is installed already, but the drain pipes haven’t been connected. I’ll do that when I do the kitchen. Other than that, it’s just a lot of small things—drywall touch-ups, paint, caulking—all easy shit. I ripped out the old doorway and installed the brand new one before I left for Wales. But it should be ready for inspection once I finish the countertops this week and install the sink. And then I have to file the paperwork to get the grant money.
Grants, Money, and Leaving Ontario (Maybe)
And once I get the grants, it might be time to leave Ontario, or at least move to Wales temporarily.
I’ll also be on unemployment until I find a job. So money-wise, I still have to figure that stuff out, because it may be in my best interest to stick around Ontario for a little while, or at least be back and forth this year.
Work, Boredom, and Letting Go of Security
I haven’t decided what I’m going to do for work, but I think I’m going to move on from photo and video stuff, unless I find a job that really excites me and challenges me. Because the type of work I’ve been doing within Public Relations and Communications has been boring me to death for the last three or four years.
The only reason I’ve really been sticking around with that job is, ironically, because of job security. And getting paid $54 an hour is pretty hard to walk away from, especially when you get benefits and pension matching, and my phone paid for, and all these other great perks.
But in a weird way, I’m kind of thankful that all that happened. Because I know I thrive when I’m searching for adventure and searching for new and novel things that excite me.
ADHD, Neurodivergence, and Understanding Myself
And I’ve learned that a lot of those character traits stem from ADHD and neurodivergency.
Colombia, Regret, and the Need to Talk
I’m really stuck on what to write tonight. There are just too many things. I still haven’t gone on the trip that I originally booked with Cris to Colombia that was postponed for 2026. I’ve considered going to Colombia alone and trying to find Cris to talk with her… but I know it’s not going to go well. And I know she’s going to hate me for it. But I think a conversation with Emir convinced me that I need to do it, because I’ll regret it if I don’t.
Christmas, Brittany, and Old Wounds
And it’s Christmas now. It’s 12:45 a.m.. It’s been Christmas for 45 minutes. And I was thinking about how happy I was with Cris at my mom’s house last year. How much of a contrast that was to the two or three Christmases before, where Brittany (my ex-girlfriend) had that next-level meltdown that was worse than my meltdown on the day that I broke up with Cris. Brittany was literally yelling things verbally to my face and my family’s face.
That was the day I broke up with her, but unfortunately that wasn’t the last time I talked to her. She dragged me through the mud for months. She used me as her emotional pillow. And she moved to Montreal to do sex work, working at an escort agency. She knew I was worried about her, and she leaned into that, using it to emotionally damage me deliberately. And she kept doing that until she found a new boyfriend.
She conveniently stopped doing that when she found a new boyfriend. And we weren’t together when she lived in Montreal. She knew how much I would worry, and she used that to hurt me.
I’m still baffled why Cris would think me sharing that story with her makes me a narcissist? So me sharing an emotionally traumatic story where I’m more the victim than not makes me a narcissist?
Feeling Misunderstood, Then and Now
And Christmas makes me think a lot about that experience, because of what happened—because of what Brittany did at my mom’s house. It also reminds me of how misunderstood I felt my entire life.
This is not a boo-hoo, poor-me thing. It’s reality. I just think differently than most people.
ADHD, Alcohol, and the Relationship Fallout
And I’ve learned that a lot of my feelings and emotions throughout childhood, adolescence, teen years, and early adulthood—up until now—have to do with ADHD. Not being diagnosed and not understanding that I might actually be a little different than others. And it’s not a bad thing.
It’s actually been an extremely positive thing in my life. When I think about all of the different things that I’ve done and achieved and experienced and explored, and skills I’ve developed, and hobbies I’ve become proficient in, and so many wonderful things. But the reality is that it has caused me problems.
And the hardest part of my relationship with Cris is understanding now that a lot of problems I was experiencing internally, and the problems I created for myself, were largely a result of undiagnosed ADHD and how alcohol became medicine for me. Those two things had a massive trickle-down effect in so many areas. And it hugely affected that relationship.
One of Those Nights
I don’t know. It just feels like it’s one of those nights where I just wish I had a time machine.
Because right now, I’m in the bedroom of the new apartment that used to be my garage workshop. And the bed that I’m laying in is in the same spot where I was standing when Cris told me that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. And she refused to clarify what the fuck she meant.
On a day that I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore, she didn’t know how I felt. And I’ve never blamed her for how I felt before speaking to her.
Still Wanting to Talk
I don’t know why, but I still have the urge to talk to her. I don’t know what it’s going to solve. I don’t know if it’s going to help or hurt.
I do know myself well enough that when I’ve been thinking about something for so fucking long (11 months today), there is a reason. Since I came back from Wales—as soon as we landed the plane, I just started crying. And being back, landing in Toronto, it was just this weird reminder that I might never speak to Cris again.
Why It Hasn’t Stopped
I can’t control some of my thoughts. And I don’t know why that when I see or experience new and beautiful and amazing things, Cris is still the first person that I think about. It doesn’t make any sense.
On days like today, when I come home from a date with this really nice girl, I’m driving home and thinking about Cris.
I don’t get it. I don’t.
Therapy hasn’t stopped it. Going on quite literally like 51 fucking first dates hasn’t stopped it. Being in short-term relationships with people that I’ve thought were a great fit hasn’t stopped it. And then, as time went on, I realized that they weren’t a good fit—but that’s another story.
Voicenote transcribed by https://otter.ai/