I’m on the GO Bus from St. Catharines heading to the boat, which is surprisingly relaxing way to travel back and forth. In December, my car broke down hours before I caught the bus to the airport for my trip to Wales. It’s been a month since I’ve returned and I still haven’t tried to…
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Not Writing, and Why I haven’t written or recorded voice journals at all since since I lost my job on Cris’s birthday. Not for personal diary or this diary website. It’s honestly felt like every time I’ve even considered or thought about writing, it just seems like there’s been so much to think about that…
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So much irony in this situation. Last year, when my mental health started to decline, I began getting reprimanded at work. I didn’t tell Cris. I was struggling to perform at work in all ways, much like I was in my personal life and in my relationship. I’m still mentally processing what just happened at…
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Last night as I was leaving Toronto, I drove by the main TD building that was her “home base” office. I got so emotional that I pulled over for a minute. I opened this post to work on today. It’s been saved and revisited for a long long time….and today when I reopened it, I…
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Cris – I just saw that your work ended this month. Please, I pray that this is because you’ve found a new position or going back to school or something positively related to staying in Canada. I don’t know what to say or write. I know how much staying in Canada meant to you, and…
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I have written about thoughts on my own “attachment style” (link), how it differs depending on if I view from the lens of my Mother, father or other relationships and different periods through out them. More often than not, I fall under “secure”. It also depends on what time frame I’m look at. With my…
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Over the last few months, the tone of my writing and audio/video notes has changed. I want to acknowledge what is happening and why this is important to my evolution. For a long time after my relationship with Cris ended, I carried the full weight of the blame. It felt like the obvious path…I was…
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I know you’ll never read this, but I’m writing it anyway. It’s for myself and to honour my truth and experience. Earlier today, I had a nap and had a rare dream with you. You appeared in a place I didn’t recognize and simply said, “It’s okay. You will be okay.” I asked you for a…
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Voice-notes became a regular way of self expression right after I quit drinking alcohol a little over 9 months ago. Part of that is because it’s an easy way to document and review my thoughts, especially while driving. The other part was, I seriously started to question the way I express myself outwardly when communicating,…
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Este texto fue escrito originalmente en inglés y traducido al español con una aplicación. Pido disculpas si la traducción no es completamente precisa. Original in English and used a translator app for Spanish. I can’t verify the accuracy of the translation.———————————- Hola Yolanda, Escribí una carta para disculparme por mis acciones pasadas y el estrés…
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Hello Cris, I hope you’re doing okay and that you got your PR. Could you please send me any photos you have from when we carved your first jack-o-lantern, or any others from that time? My phone was water-damaged last November, and I lost a lot of memories that still mean a lot to me. The…
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There were many moments when Cris’s reactions made me feel unseen, like my intentions were being rewritten into something unrecognizable. I want to separate two things here. The first is emotional: my unfiltered, imperfect reaction to feeling misunderstood. The second part (still unfinished below) is analytical: what those moments reveal about how we both communicated,…
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Unfinished – reorganize and slim down before continuing. As great as this garage/apartment conversion project has been for my mental health and overall well being, there certainly have been many difficult moments emotionally. There is a lot to unpack, so I feel like this journal entry will be even more scattered and all over the…
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Introduction – Why I’m Writing This I have learned through therapy and my own “self development” that sharing extremely difficult experiences from the past is a way we can be vulnerable in relationships. Vulnerability creates bonds and closeness. It helps us understand and appreciate our partner more. Sharing these things helps us pause when there…
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Addition: There’s a good chunk of voice notes and video diaries that are relevant to my birthday and relationships. Thinking I’ll try to comb through them and add some stuff here.—https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17K44i3Yeq/?mibextid=wwXIfr—- I don’t know why this memory stuck with me but it did….and it happened exactly one year ago today, on September 22nd. It was…
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HER LAST WORDS – PART 1This is how I experience her last words to me. Below post written in one stream of thought while overly emotional. It’s an exercise in regulating myself when feeling turbulent. There are minor changes/additions for clarity. Following my “emotional rant” is a more rational breakdown of some of my thoughts…
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DRAFT – ADHD is incredibly misunderstood in the public sphere, my self included. My perceptions of this condition were wildly inaccurate. I’m learning with more clarity on how the way my brain works and viewing things from the perspective of clinically diagnosed ADHD Cris expressed something early in our relationship that I now realize had…
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Part 1 of 2 (maybe more) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DNGOkzEgMu4/?igsh=eGlqOWE1OG5ybmgy Dr. Georgia Ede from Diary of a CEO podcast: People with ADHD are at much higher risk for suicidal ideation, substance abuse (especially alcohol). Higher risk for accidents. Higher risk for depression and anxiety. When undiagnosed, twice the rate of divorce. First, my emotional rant, in this Part…
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Mental Health + ContextI went almost two full weeks without my anti-depressant medication because of a backorder/supply issue. Around day 5 or 6 I started to really feel the shift. This medication, especially at the higher dosage I’m on, causes withdrawal effects if stopped suddenly. I knew that. Cris knew that. I just didn’t know…
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I want to thank you for helping send me on a path to finally eliminate my problems with drinking and my relationship with alcohol. It’s been almost 7 months and alcohol stays in the fridge when people leave things behind. I still sit in bars a lot but I happily drink non-alcoholic beers. I still…
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I hope you and your boyfriend are happy. I pray every day that you get your citizenship and build the life you want here. Today I received my 5-month AA chip. It was supposed to be pink (my favorite!) but they ran out. So it’s a 6-month one with a “5” in marker.
I’ve been…
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There has been a trend of me writing sentences over the last 3-4 months that are bizarre yet deeply meaningful. This next sentence is in that bag. I went on a Friday night date to the High Park Group AA meeting. Yes, that High Park on Bloor and yes, that Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a…
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When it comes to conversations about loyalty, commitment and faithfulness, my views/feelings towards relationship dynamics are almost always misunderstood. It’s made for interesting conversations while dating in the past and even more on these recent dating adventures. Being ambiamorous (subscribing to both polygamy and monogamy) is difficult to explain to someone that lives inside the…
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They gave me celebratory chips today—24 Hours, 1 month, 2 month and 3 months since quitting alcohol. It’s been exactly three months since I made the decision to quit. But I don’t feel proud. Because I remember what pushed me to quit: staring death in the face… and wanting to join “him“. Because I know…
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I’m logging a text note I sent a new friend this afternoon. It deserves a preface for context. I do not like talking on the phone and treat it “as needed”. This created conflict in my past relationships, especially with Cris. I had to make HUGE efforts to meet her needs and step way beyond…
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This post should be prefaced to clarify assumptions about the intent of these kinds of post talking about new dating adventures. This is not an attempt at making someone jealous – I want Cris to find what she needs and deserves to feel fulfilled and be happy. This is both for my own memory as…
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Despite my noble quest for redemption, I became the anti-hero in my own story. Maybe even the villain. I set out to right wrongs—mine and hers. A relationship littered with broken pieces asking to be reassembled, like tabletop puzzle with an unclear image of the future.
I’m always confident I can fix anything. Houses, motorcycles,…
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Link to Text messages from my January 25th meltdown here.
[Unfinished] Although confusing and surprising to hear, learning that I might have adult ADHD can help explain a lot in my life and guide my therapy journey. Most importantly, it can help develop strategies to prevent me from unintentionally creating chaos in my life. Unintentionally creating a laundry list of chaos absolutely had an effect…
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A common theme in relationship books/self help guides is that being vulnerable leads to deeper connection. There is an entire section about being more vulnerable in this book here. When I began my slide downwards, what was I doing that did not allow my calls for help to be heard? Is this my fault for…
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