Everything I Forget, Reminds Me of What I Lose: The Small Mistakes That Break Me

Laundry Detergent
My Dad came by the boat today to say goodbye. Heading back to Wales for a while to get some things set up for the future move. We were going out for lunch, and as we were leaving I grabbed a bag of laundry to wash while we were out.

We just got to the laundromat when I realized I forgot the laundry detergent that I had put on the table.

This may seem like a small, innocuous, meaningless event, but the fact is that things like this happen all the time—almost daily. I’ve learned that this is a symptom of ADHD.

Today, when I forgot the laundry thing, I got super upset and couldn’t hide it. I was rapidly connecting dots from my past.

My dad said to me, “It’s okay, Owen. Give yourself a break. You have lots on your mind.”

He saw me getting upset about laundry detergent.

What he didn’t see is that I know I lost my job because of this. I lost a relationship that meant the world to me because of this. Not because I forget important things all the time, but because of the source of where this comes from and all the problems I’ve caused myself.

My dad and I drove back to the boat to get the laundry detergent. The second my back was turned toward the car, as I walked to the gate, tears were streaming down my eyes.

The Day Before
Yesterday, Emir was driving me to the boat because I had lots of bags and I still haven’t fixed my car. Busing back and forth has been easy for the most part. I’ve been busy working on the house and haven’t needed the car after losing my job (on Cris’s birthday, of all days for that to happen).

We had just gotten on the highway when my dad messaged me to remind me to bring his spare key that I had. We had already talked about me giving it to him when he came for lunch to say goodbye.

Surprise, surprise. I forgot the key.

I called him and he said not to worry about it. It was just the spare.

While we were in the car, I went to eTransfer Emir money for gas. I reached for my bank card but realized I didn’t have it in my pocket. We pulled over on the highway to check if I had put it in my bag.

Nope.

I had forgotten all of my cards.

The only things I remembered were my two passports—one expired, because I keep forgetting to renew it even though I’ve written it on a dozen to-do lists. I also forgot to renew it when I was in Wales last December.

Connecting the Dots
I have learned to give myself grace for a lot of the small, stupid shit that I do. Before I was diagnosed and didn’t understand what was going on, I used to constantly beat myself up for things like this. It would turn into vicious negative internal dialogue.

“Why am I so good at so many things but constantly fuck up with shit that is easy for everyone else?”

It starts there, but it gets worse quickly.

Getting upset “over laundry detergent” was really about rapidly connecting dots inside my mind. It led me to think about how it relates to my past relationship with Cris.

So many things happened that were either misunderstood or twisted into me doing something malicious. I don’t mean forgetting keys and cards and laundry detergent.

And not just innocent things like bruises everywhere because I bump into things often, forgetting to call, or changing plans abruptly.

There were much more serious things—like how emotionally dysregulated I used to get, periods of extreme overwhelm, and alcohol to make me feel “normal” (yay for dopamine deficiency and alcohol).

I was thinking about times Cris would punish me in some way for things that I try to manage, try to be better at, and try not to do.

But all of the fucking lists and checklists and reminders and processes and everything… sometimes, in harmless moments when I forget laundry detergent, it feels like those things are still going to happen and I can never escape it.

I end up doubting my self-worth.

And that’s scary to me, because that’s how I ended up in one of the darkest days of my life…wanting to end it.

Later that day, when I was just asking to talk, Cris punished me again by telling me, “I don’t want to talk to you,” without following guidelines we wrote in our book. She was supposed to tell me when she would. When she didn’t tell me and chose to stonewall me, I completely lost it and went into a full-blown meltdown.

But I’m a narcissist.
(Sarcasm.)

The Long-Term Effects
Although I’m getting better at a lot of the things rooted in this ADHD thing, they still have large effects on my life.

I ultimately lost a job and a relationship in my personal triangle of death.

Right now, I’m winning the fight for my houses and home (boat), but not by much.

Somehow, I’ve resisted many impulsive urges for dramatic change. Impulses that would inevitably lead me down a path where I lose my houses too. Understanding why those ideas appear, and where they come from, has helped me pause before acting. That’s something I wouldn’t have done in the past.

The smaller stuff affects my life in large ways.

Maybe not every day. Maybe not consistently causing damage every day. But these small things compound over time.

They wear on my self-esteem. They damage how I show up in different situations—both literally, and in the more metaphorical sense of showing up

Right Now
Right now, I’m trying so hard for these things not to affect my relationships (yes, there are multiple—and ethically).

It takes a lot of explaining. But the people I’ve been dating are receptive and willing to listen.

And that feels really, really nice.

It feels safe.

I try to remind myself of that when I forget small things like laundry detergent.

Usually, that works. But today, in that moment, it didn’t.