Narcissism and the Accusations that Eroded Something Beautiful
Introduction – Why I’m Writing This
I have learned through therapy and my own “self development” that sharing extremely difficult experiences from the past is a way we can be vulnerable in relationships. Vulnerability creates bonds and closeness. It helps us understand and appreciate our partner more. Sharing these things helps us pause when there is conflict and remember that it’s not the person we’re dealing with. We’re dealing with our past experiences, how they affected us individually, and how they show up during relationship conflicts.
I have written about being accused of being a narcissist in many journal entries. I’ve explored how it affected the way I showed up and communicated (or didn’t communicate at all) in that relationship. I’ve also reflected on moments where the idea that I’m a narcissist was reinforced and not apologized for, instead of being amended. I’ve even written about a day that I expressed multiple times that I’m spiraling and needed support. Instead, Cris refused to answer to a simple yes/no question, and felt like she was not answering to deliberately hurt me (link).
But I haven’t written a more focused entry about this “narcissist” experience overall. This journal entry is an exercise in “naming” the emotions and experiences, making them real, and beginning to let them go. And I need to, because this has came up with new people in my life.
Acknowledging Memory and Perspective
I need to admit that my memory of events has probably been shaped by pain. These are as accurate as I can be without talking to Cris (which isn’t possible right now). I’ve tried to write with caution when describing her words or actions, but part of healing is also naming what happened and how it affected me.
Memory is slippery, especially when love and pain mix together. Our memories often get distorted by emotions, especially strong negative one. Finding a balance between describing her actions and owning my feelings will be a challenge.
I also know there were things I was blind to (and probably still am without hearing from her), like the ways I might have triggered Cris’s reactions without realizing it. That’s not to justify her accusations, but to acknowledge that she was also hurting and searching for answers.
Understanding Intentions
I may not agree with how she went about it, because it felt harsh and overwhelming, but I understand her intentions. She was trying her best to do what we both wanted most (not just what we wanted in the moment) and that was to rebuild and repair what was once something beautiful between us.
At first, I was very defensive towards these accusations. They came in a handwritten letter. The reason I was called a narcissist was apparently because I wanted to be the victim and was looking for sympathy. She said it was because I shared very traumatic stories about my experiences with my father and last girlfriend.
After long discussions with my therapist, I realized Cris was simply looking for answers. She was hurt, and so was I. She was trying to understand what was happening. My therapist explained that she was unintentionally causing harm by putting me in a box I don’t belong. This is apparently very common now in relationships when people go looking for answer and read a lot of “clickbait” content online, “diagnosing” problems without guidance of a professional.
Facing the Accusation
I definitely behaved like a jerk at times, but I am far from being a narcissist or having “narcissistic tendencies,” as Cris called it. She eventually downgraded me from being a narcissist to “well, you just act like one.” Isn’t that basically the same thing?
After these accusations came in February 2024, I looked up what they meant. I know what a narcissist is in general terms, but I had no idea what that meant in the context of a relationship. I was horrified. It made me sick to my stomach reading about how narcissists treat their partners with covert control, manipulation, and abuse.
She asked me to listen to a sample excerpt from an audiobook called “When Loving Him Is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing with Narcissism and Emotional Abuse by Dr. David Hawkins”. The except talked about emotional abuse through rage and yelling, physical violence, coercion, extreme control and manipulation. When I listened to the excerpt, I actually felt dizzy, nauseous, and pain in my chest, like I was having a mini-anxiety attack. I couldn’t believe that was how she viewed me, or at least implied by her telling me to listen to this book to understand how she feels.
Cris also accused me of being manipulative. The quote she used was not accurate, but how could I correct her? Narcissists deliberately try to alter people’s perceptions of reality. Was I doing that by trying to correct what I was clearly misunderstood about?
Clarifying Boundaries and Misunderstandings
The misunderstanding revolved around me describing that I could not emotionally handle my partner hanging our relationship over my head, as a form of control. I was NOT accusing Cris of this. I was just explaining how it regularly happened in my last relationship and how it was hurtful. In my relationship prior to Cris, threatening to end or leave the relationship was frequently used as a way to emotionally bully and control me.
Cris and I were talking about the idea that the option for a relationship to end must always be on the table (from Mark Manson). Love and relationships are conditionally unconditional. We both agreed that this is part of our relationship structure, but I could not handle it when, at every slight discussion or disagreement, someone loudly declared the relationship could/will be over.
I am paraphrasing what Cris wrote in her letter. She said it was the most manipulative thing she had heard, that I did not want leaving or ending the relationship on the table at all. I vividly remember the words “most manipulative.” She reworded and repositioned what I said as me wanting to remove the ability for her to end/leave the relationship.
What I actually was saying is that it’s not fair or healthy to resort to threatening ending things at every discussion point. I was expressing my boundaries and expectations for engaging in difficult conversations. Threats like that should never be used as leverage.
I know that the end is a possibility. We both know that ending things is possible. But the most important time to remind your partner, that we’re committed to each other, is during/after conflict despite the current disagreement. It’s as simple as saying, “Even though I’m angry with you right now, I still love you” as you hang up the phone, walk away, or end the topic of conversation.
John Gottman’s research shows that most problems (69%) are perpetual, stemming from different dreams, values, or personality traits, and are not meant to be “solved.” This 69% stat is from the longest and happiest relationships he studied, not turbulent/bad ones.
Problems just need to be managed. We needed to learn to manage conflict and emotional intensity rather than trying to eliminate it. Conflict is inevitable, so constant threats of leaving at every turn are abusive. I’ve experienced it and hated it. It felt like being thrown out of a vehicle on the highway at every lane change and speed change……over and over again.
Emotional and Psychological Impact
Here’s how these accusations affected me personally, day-to-day:
Fear of Being Seen as Manipulative or Self-Centered
– I was hesitant and often didn’t correct her view of events when key parts of the story she was recalling were missing or not fully accurate. I was worried that it would be perceived as me trying to manipulate, so it was easier to let things go than to correct
– There were MANY times when Cris would accuse me of being mad or pissed off in the future. She did this on the morning of January 25th too. There were 3 other very important times that happened between November 15th, 2024 and January 15th, 2025. Each time, I was excluded from social/family/bonding activities without allowing me the chance to decide for myself because Cris was “fortunetelling” the future. These were all events revolved around her life….so I felt like I had to accept her “prediction”. I didn’t argue for fear of being self-centered/selfish around my needs and feared being “manipulative” if I expressed how wrong and harmful her actions were, if I tried to change her viewpoint.
I could write an entire post specifically about the damage caused by her “fortunetelling”, and when she started to deliberately excluding me from social/family things without giving me the ability to choose myself. Or at least decide not to go and provide a rational/understandable/acceptable reason. These things had their own negative affects….but I’m pointing out those actions here because the narcissism accusations prevented me from being able to address these issues.
Created Underlying Control Dynamics
It created this internal dialog as Cris being the “psychologically aware” or “healthy” one and me as the “problem,”. I think the trickle down effect was it prevented mutual accountability.
– example…March 13th when I freaked out via text messages. My behaviours was awful and childish. I owned that afterwards. But not once was it talked about that Cris’s behavior triggered that event. I was scared to say “yeah, I fucked up badly….but so did you. So both of us need to apologize and we both need to correct poor behaviour.” It even went as far as me offering (and following through) with paying for Cris’s re-test that she failed a few days after I had a meltdown
– July 1st…I fell asleep mid-day and slept through the time I was supposed to pick up Cris and her friends from the train. Instead of walking to the boat, where she knew I was going to be, she decided to stonewall me and completely ignore me…..FOR THREE DAYS!!!! That’s clearly emotional abuse, communication control and vindictive punishment towards me. But I’m the one that ended up apologizing and accepting blame and trying to make amends. Even though it was a minor careless mistake, it embarrassed her in front of her friends. Reality was, her response was far more damaging than my mistake and all the focus was on my mistake and not her hurtful reaction.
• Seeking Sympathy/Victimhood through Vulnerability
– Cris accused me of looking for sympathy and wanting to be a victim because I shared very traumatic experiences with my father and ex-girlfriend. The tip of the iceberg was my father repeatedly threatening me to have his other son assault me (my brother and my best) friend while I was working 30-40 hours a week building an apartment for him. It goes way way beyond that but that is just a taste of how difficult that situation was for me
– I shared experiences from my last relationship, including a trip to Montreal after my ex moved post-breakup, where I was asked to do something that is forever burned into my mind in an awful way. Cris dismissed that story and asked, “Why didn’t she just go to the doctors?” completely ignoring the manipulative dynamics involved.
– These accusations made me feel shame for allowing someone to manipulate me. Cris’s response made it seem easy to break that “spell.”
– I felt confusion and self-doubt, questioning my character.
Gaslighting
- I couldn’t say “I did NOT say that” or “You’re remembering that wrong.” Or “Yes, I said that while emotional but you’re forgetting the big picture view of what I keep saying”.
- Small Example: Cris held onto the belief that I would never drive to Toronto again or move there, despite my actions continuing to drive back and forth showing otherwise. I even repeatedly said “If you come here, I will take you home when you need me to.” Attempts to clarify were labelled as “gaslighting.”
Love Bombing & Future Faking
- I was working on our engagement gift “option” when she told me she doesn’t want to talk to me on January 25th…I became scared to tell her she can choose from two motorcycles, or sell them and work on a camper van project together for travelling, or a set of saxophones and lessons to learn to play music together. Narcissist use gifts for control so I started to second guessing myself about something I should have been excited and proud to give her.
- I hesitated to discuss marriage or long-term plans out of fear it would be seen as manipulation, even though my goal was to demonstrate commitment.
- I viewed the garage/apartment project as a way to fund future dreams together. The two big ones were Cris’s bed and breakfast/hotel dream when we are closer to retirement and having her mother visit/semi-live here.The big big one was helping fund bringing Cris’s mother here to live, either just during warmer months or all year round. She didn’t have to live in that apartment specifically, but that income would offset us renting something bigger with us or close to us. The way things have unfolded in my life, she could have lived for FREE RENT at my house in Caledonia walking distance to my mother. My dad lives with his girlfriend now, so very soon, that space will be mine to utilize how ever I need.
- I was scared that telling her how I want to help her bring her mother here, because Cris might accuse me of emotional manipulation, like I was making promises about bringing her mother here to emotionally manipulate Cris in to staying with me.
Grandiosity & Blame Shifting
- In a letter I hand wrote, Cris labelled poetic expressions as “grandiose,” I knew she adopted this term from Dr. Ramani. She had never used that word speaking with me before.
- When Cris shut down or withdrew, it triggered me deeply, leading to internal struggle about pointing out hurtful behavior. It was often turned around on me saying I’m avoiding accountability.
- Triangulation
- There were things that I was trying to explain to Cris about how I was feeling and my internal struggles specifically around logistics. Literally how driving around while I was feeling overwhelmed, was killing me more every day. I drove 41,000km in 12 months, when my office is a 2.4km walking distance (1,200km annual commute working 5×48 weeks). That’s more than the circumference of the plant earth. I saw this area of my life as something that could fairly easily be changed (temporarily over the winter), with a little buy-in from Cris, and have very large positive results.
- People would ask me about my life. I would briefly tell them my “schedule and routine” (there was none) bouncing between St. Catharines, Hamilton and North York…often sleeping in a different place 5-6-7 nights in a row. I was not fishing for sympathy….simply stating facts of where I have been the last 4-5 days. When almost every single person was saying things like “that is really difficult”, “I couldn’t do that”, “I need way more stability to function”, “that would burn me out very quickly”….I could relate exactly to what they were saying.
I was worried to tell Cris about these conversations, to help her understand what I am asking for is very reasonable. I simply needed the pressure to be released, and to work on St. Catharines problems on Saturday all day and Sunday until sundown/dinner. And our relationship time during the week, preferably in Hamilton because Cris had the power I did not have…the ability to work ANYWHERE. And I work on boat problems on whatever weekday makes sense.
- I didn’t know how else to explain something that seemed so obvious to me. But I held back until my explosion/meltdown
Suicidal Thoughts as a Threat- I struggled with dark thoughts while lying in bed trying to sleep. Not wanting to wake up. There were times that happened when I was next to Cris. I feared sharing these thoughts would be misinterpreted as manipulation.
She was already being very dismissive towards my mental health struggles. I asked myself, how is she going to handle and perceive me sharing the darkest parts of my mind? I was scared she would label me expressing the truth of my dark inner dialog as an action to control her.
After I broke up with Cris, I struggled to decide if I should tell her. I struggled because I worried my intent being misunderstood. I wanted to tell her about my suicidal thoughts on January 25th and the nights in bed, because I felt like she needed to know. I thought it might help her understand how much of a mess I was inside my head during that time. And maybe that knowledge would ease her pain by realizing that, although it’s over and was a messy end, she was not dealing with “me” and was dealing with someones mental health struggles. I would want to know all this stuff if the roles were reversed.
It wasn’t to “guilt trip” her or emotionally manipulate. I had to remember that she did not know what state I was in that day and didn’t fully understand how dark things were getting inside me. I need to make sure this is clear – wanting to end my life on January 25th was not her fault and they were my own demons.
I’m in the process of writing an entry talking about my experience with suicidal though/ideation, so I won’t write anymore here.
Aftermath – Rupture and Reflection
I tried many times to express how hurtful these accusations were. I asked why she couldn’t just tell me what I was doing that hurt her. Why did she have to label me this way? I asked for an apology on two occasions. Her response (and lack of response) reinforced the idea that she thinks I’m a narcissist.
One request for apology was when we were trying to repair our relationship through our book. The result was just a rebranding of the label: from “you’re a narcissist” to “you’re not a narcissist but you do narcissistic things.”
To me, that was the same. That new label spiralled in my head for months. I’d often ask myself if I was really like what I read online. Why couldn’t Cris accept that the kind, warm-hearted, empathetic, and loving person was really me? I didn’t understand why she was saying I’m faking being someone I’m not “just to get her to like me” (paraphrasing her words).
The second request for an apology was while I was milling wood for the boat table tops. I got stuck in a negative thought loop. I was completely sober while using dangerous machines. I asked Cris a simple yes/no question: “Do you think I’m a narcissist?” She refused to answer for hours and refused to apologize afterwards, ingraining the idea that she thinks I’m a narcissist. This was the pivot point for me, turning from giving and receiving deep love then shifting to my own emotional survival. I wrote about that experience here (link).
It was an emotional breaking point. I lost almost all emotional safety, which prevented me from acting on my curiosity about our issues and having a deeper understanding. It halted the process we were going through to rebuild trust.
Around this time, my mental health started to decline, not as a direct result of this event. There were many things that contributed to my decline.
The results of that conversation, where I asked for an apology, massively affected how I communicated in the months afterward. It created emotional distance when we both craved closeness. It cemented the idea that my emotions and internal struggles didn’t matter, especially if I was struggling to meet both Cris and my personal daily needs. I felt resentment when she asked for closeness because it felt conditional on me ignoring my emotions by not “complaining so much” (literally said to me multiple times).
Closing Thoughts
This journal entry is long long long. But it’s a sign that my new medication is helping me stay focus on tasks. I sat down and started writing just over 5 hours ago, end up with 4,000-ish words and trimmed it down to 3600.
Writing in this project overall has been a long, often painful, but ultimately necessary process. Naming the experiences, the emotions, and the misunderstandings has helped me reclaim a sense of clarity and self-trust. It’s helped release myself of blame I shouldn’t have been carrying so much weight for.
I’ve realized that sharing vulnerabilities is not a weakness. It’s a bridge to deeper connection, when met with care, curiosity and understanding. Being accused of something as serious as narcissism can erode trust and self-esteem, especially when misinformed. But I have been able to now separate the label from my truth.
I can honor my own experiences, acknowledge my mistakes, and continue to grow without carrying the shame or confusion of someone else’s perspective. I now try to hold space for honesty, compassion, and empathy (for myself and others) and cast no judgment on people’s motives for sharing their traumas.
I also recognize that not every misunderstanding will be resolved…and that is totally okay. Writing this has been an act of self-preservation, reclaiming my voice, and a reminder that my experiences, struggles, and intentions all matter. They shaped who I am. Analyzing them is shaping how I’m evolving.
Despite all this pain and confusion, this evolution of me still has a ton of love to give.