Construction: Weekends Building and Ruminating
Unfinished – reorganize and slim down before continuing.
As great as this garage/apartment conversion project has been for my mental health and overall well being, there certainly have been many difficult moments emotionally. There is a lot to unpack, so I feel like this journal entry will be even more scattered and all over the place than my usual non-linear train of thought.
Why is this project so deeply related to my last relationship?
I think there are a few parts to that answer. One part is what the real life affect it had on my relationship. When I say it had an effected my relationship, this was all pre-construction and during the planning phase. The impact was “projected” and never came to fruition in reality. I broke up with Cris a few months before construction was scheduled to begin.
The second part is the mental/emotional connection to my vision for the future of that relationship. For months I hyper focused on making this project come to life. Through out my relationship, whenever I thought about my future, it always included Cris, her desires and how they would weave together with mine. When I started researching and creating a plan for this, again, Cris was front of mind and was woven in to my daydreams when I’d think about the opportunities this would provide for us. It was never about building only my own wealth – it was about a shared future with financial stability.
The 3rd…I know exactly where I was standing in that garage when she told me “I don’t want to talk to you anymore” before my meltdown. I know exactly where I was sitting, contemplating using the things around me to put myself asleep and never wake up.
The 3rd one is short and easy to explain. I keep being in the same room that has a very traumatic and horrible emotional experience attached to it. Even with the room close to finished and looking completely different, that day/night and hearing those words on the phone will forever be burned in to my mind. It’s almost impossible for me to disassociate that room from that lived experience.
Why the hurry to do it now instead of waiting until I’ve finished cleaning up my entire life?
This project was eligible for an $80,000 grant from the federal governments Housing Accelerator Fund. If I started and finished it within their timeline, along with a bunch of other requirements, %70 of expenses would be covered up to 80k. That’s a little more than my after tax income in a year! Over a years pay for 8-10 months of a little extra work a couple evenings a week and 3 months worth of weekends (spread out over the 8-10 months). To me, this was a no-brainer super easy decision to do it now instead of the original plan….waiting 2-3 years but costing $80,000 more.
The first and second reasons I outlined earlier do have some overlap, so I’m just going to slap keys on my keybaord and get it out.
When I first brought this opportunity up to Cris, her initial reaction was “don’t do it”. I know that was coming from a place of concern. It was early December and I was already deep in to what I now understand as ADHD burnout. I was already worrying uncontrollably about well over a dozen different things and was struggling to maintain any of my responsibilities (relationship, boat, house, work, a daily routine and simply being a functional adult). I knew Cris could see I was over my head.
Her reaction to “don’t do it” also came from a place of personal needs. For a good few months, I was not meeting Cris’s needs within our relationship. I wasn’t meeting my own needs in our relationship. My mental health decline was also preventing me from meeting my regular daily life needs. With all of this, Cris wanted more of my time and very specifically wanted my time on weekends
(side rant – she had ALL the power to close the gap and work in Hamilton 3 days a week so we could see eachother. I drive her to her dance classes and would have loved to do that for her. But NOT ONCE did she try to work from the boat from Labour Day weekend until the end of January. About 20 weeks. Shje started in August. I said try in 4-5 weeks when you’re more comfortable with the new role. But the person that had all the power to close the gap gave zero effort and only excuses. Yes, I’m very bitter about that)
Time together is what she wanted more of. It’s what I wanted more of too. I just asked myself “What do I want now and what do I want most?”. What I wanted most was an easier life with Cris until the end of life and I saw all the fulfilling years ahead of us. Cris wanted time now and I felt like she was being very short sighted and stubborn. I’ll get to the stubborn part around scheduling our time together at some point in this entry.
As I started trying to explain the short term plan for me to get this project off the ground, more tension came between us. For me to build this apartment, I had to clean out the entire garage. For most people, that’s a weekend or two. For me, that has a lengthy list of unfinished projects and motorcycles, from ADHD jumping from thing to thing before finishing the last, that process was going to take many many days. Projects that have actual monetary value and can be sold to help fund this….or whatever toys Cris and I decided to buy and play with together. If I did things right and fixed things well, there was north of 30k in random projects laying around.
Cris and my conversations about how busy I am and overwhelmed I was feeling dovetailed in to this potential project schedule in the worst way. We were already seeing eachother less than usual in the month or two leading up to the decision to build. I was already asking Cris to temporarily change expectations in how often I had to drive to Toronto. So I can understand why Cris saw this as a threat to our relationship.
She expressed multiple times before all this that I need to stop worrying about the future. She would tell me that my worrying is damaging the present. What I was failing to express clearly, is that a lot of my worries were what the potential catastrophic results would be if I didn’t address the issues and mess in front of me. If I did not address the chaos in my life, reorganize and clean up responsibilities, that I will not be able to sustain how I’m currently living in a triangle between St. Catharines, Hamilton and Toronto.
We even recognized my problem of piling things on my plate the prior winter. Part of our discussions while trying to rebuild our relationship were about me trying to simplify my life, get rid of hobbies and get rid of old projects that will lose money if they’re damaged or not finished. The whole point of doing that stuff was to create more time and space so I can focus more on our relationship. When I actually started to work towards that, it felt like I was constantly being punished or Cris was angry that she didn’t have my attention as much.
If I continued down the path of trying to create more time/space by reorganizing my life, while simultaneously keeping relationship expectations the same, our relationship would fail anyway….because I would literally mentally and physically fail. That level of overwhelm would have resulted in burnout and collapse. I was already walking down that path and I could see the cliff right in front of me.
This is where our differing views butted heads. I belive alot of that conflict was a result of me not being able to properly communicate my vision. I know for a %100 fact that my mental health decline and drinking every day prevented me from explaining my vision in a way she could understand. I saw a temporary sacrifice of both of our relationship needs will be hugely rewarded afterwards and in retirement together. Those rewards and lifestyle improvement would come much sooner too.
If I did a good chunk of the work myself, the final project cost would be paid off in 5-ish years. After that, that’s an extra $1500 a month towards anything we dreamed of. At bare minimum, if we were conservative and invested $1000 a month for 20 years until we’re at retirement age, that’s north of 500k in an RRSP with %7 interest compounded.
But I had other visions and ideas. I wanted to do things that enriched Cris’s and my life today and tomorrow, not just in 25 years. I took what she was saying about living for today to heart. I wanted to be like that more, but my difficulty was getting to a place that I can mentally do that. I had to clear up my “mess” first.
My big big idea was to use this to help fund Cris’s Mother moving with us. There were many ways we could have done that, like living together in a 2 bedroom apartment while we partially live on the boat or just short term rentals for 5-6 months in the summer…but I never actually talked with her about it and was scared to bring these things up
There were many things that I started to hold back from telling Cris and a lot of that had to do with her narcissist accusations. I wrote about that a lot in this post here, so won’t add anymore in this journal entry. The short story, I was scared she would percieve it as “future faking” or that I’m using these ideas to manipulate her. The reality was, I wanted to build a life with her and that (obvious to me) included sharing assets I accumulated before we began dating.
I was worrying myself sick about the future of our relationship. I could see it crumbling in front of my eyes but I was too mentally sick to properly do anything about it. I barely able to take care of my basic human needs, never mind address relationship issues in a calm, rational, grounded and emotionally safe manner.
I’m rambling and lost my point here.
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The first part I mentioned revolves around logistics and cadence of seeing each other.
Once I decided to go ahead with this project, I needed to clear out the garage before we left for Colombia in March. Construction for bringing in sewer, water, electric and gas was planned to start the week we returned. The company I was hiring to do some of the work was to start on the interior some time in April. The goal was to have all their stuff done and ready for the work I was taking on by July 1st.
For me to do that, December, January and February, I would have to spend 3 full weekends a month at the house. Being productive during the week in the evenings is difficult on days when I’m working in Hamilton. By the time I get to the house, gear up and get in the flow, I only can get 3-ish hours of work done. I can go longer but then I’m not showering for bed until 1am.
Saturday allows me to work for 14-16 hours. Sunday, I can do the same. That’s 30 hours in 2 days compared to 6-8 during the weekday evenings.
So I suggested this schedule…
Should note, Cris works from a laptop and can work anywhere.
I work from home a few days a week but the schedule is never the same. It revolves around appointments in Hamilton.
Saturday – wake up in St. Catharines and work. Cris has time for her friends/family.
Sunday – same until dinner time. Cris has time daytime for friends/family. After dinner in the evening, either meet Cris in Hamilton or pick up in North York.
Monday – Hamilton/boat. Cris French lessons in the evening. Owen takes care of dinner etc while she’s busy
Tuesday – Same as Monday
Wednesday – Drive Cris to dance in North York. If I work from “home” on Thursday/Friday, I can stay there. If not, head to the boat.
Thursday – Owen in Hamilton (if I have daytime appointments). Cris in North York.
Friday – open for flexibility. Personal preference is to go to St. Catharines expecting to work in the garage until later at night.
So this gives both of us what we want/need. Time together. Time for her to spend with friends/family. Time for me to be productive in the most efficient way possible. Reduces me sleeping in different places night after night (that was a HUGE cause of stress for me with the lack of stability).
Her response to this was “I’ll be bored by April”. Her actual words. Not once since starting her new remote/work from home job did she try to work from the boat. She tried with her previous role a few times but never tried once when I was asking for help to temporarily change our schedule. It felt like she was telling me she doesn’t care about my burdens, even if she has the ability to help them fairly easily. She said she wants to see her boyfriend on the weekends, not realizing that this response was pushing our relationship closer to not seeing eachother at all…ever,