Leaving Canada – I pray not.

Cris – I just saw that your work ended this month. Please, I pray that this is because you’ve found a new position or going back to school or something positively related to staying in Canada.

I don’t know what to say or write. I know how much staying in Canada meant to you, and I’ve always admired the dedication and determination you brought to that goal. Even when my emotional brain struggled accepting you dedicating 5 days a week to learning French, my rational/logical brain was in awe with your perseverance and drive to succeed.

I can’t image how you’re feeling. I can’t even come up with words to describe how I’m feeling. I’ve had a lot of emotions come up too as I’ve been reflecting on everything.

I feel like I’m partially responsible and asking myself over and over all the “what if” questions.
I’ve caught myself thinking about things I wish I had done differently…..especially around how I communicated my struggles and how both of us were unintentionally hurting each other at times. I’m trying not to dwell in “what ifs,” but I do want to acknowledge my part with honesty.

I am sorry for the ways my silence about drinking and unspoken struggles affected us. My brain still attaches those events to what lead us both here.

I’ve spent a long time since we broke up trying to burry feelings I didn’t fully understand, like not understanding why I struggle to let our relationship go. But even with that, you still hold an extremely important place in my life, the way I reflect on the past year apart and the way I’ve reflected on the last 3-4 years of internal progress….progress that accelerated at a rapid pace largely because of the mirror you were able to hold up to me. I wanted to change and evolve so badly for myself AND for you, so I could be the person you saw in me. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do this faster while we together and helped change this version of history.

When things became difficult inside my mind last September to January (and longer), I didn’t know how to communicate what I was experiencing. I felt overwhelmed waking up every morning by my own challenges. My internal struggles made our relationship issues far worse….especially the patterns between us that neither of us knew how to navigate at the time. I know neither of us meant to hurt the other, but like you said, we didn’t yet have the tools to understand what was happening. Over time, I learned there were many small things I was doing that I didn’t know were parts of undiagnosed ADHD. That diagnosis is not an excuse for my behaviour….but at least it helps acknowledge where some things come from and understanding it was not deliberate.

I’m sorry I didn’t speak up more clearly when I should have. I could see how much we both cared and how hard we were trying in our own ways, even if our wounds made it harder for us to meet in the middle.

I’m so sorry, Cris.

I still care about you deeply as a human and I genuinely wish I can help. I’m not reaching out to reopen our romantic relationship, but if you ever feel open to talking or finding some closure, I would welcome that. I don’t know the exact source of your desire to block people from your life or shut down during conflict (I haven’t and won’t guess either), but I understand that it’s what you do. I’ve tried my best to accept and understand those actions were never directed at me personally or a deliberate way to hurt me…I understand this is your way of protecting yourself.

With all my heart, soul, and love – I hope you’re okay.

I know this letter is emotionally erratic and might cause you to feel emotions you’re trying to avoid. As you would often call me, I’m absolutely being “dramatic” right now.