Misunderstood, Not Malicious: What Happens When Intention Gets Lost

There were many moments when Cris’s reactions made me feel unseen, like my intentions were being rewritten into something unrecognizable.

I want to separate two things here. The first is emotional: my unfiltered, imperfect reaction to feeling misunderstood. The second part (still unfinished below) is analytical: what those moments reveal about how we both communicated, and what potentially went wrong beneath the surface.

This isn’t about proving innocence or ‘victimhood.’ Neither of us were victims of each other, but we certainly unintentionally hurt each other.

Understanding Misunderstandings
This is about digging deeper and figuring out how misunderstandings started or where they came from. Most importantly, how easily a small doubt can grow into a false story about who someone is. There was an undeniable negative impact on me individually, which then manifested in our relationship dynamics.

One of the hardest parts of that relationship was hearing Cris thought I was performing or changing myself so she would like me. She said this many times, often during periods our connection temporarily faded…usually because of physical distance and our individual responsibilities or my ADHD brain hyperfocusing on other things while forgetting whatever is not in front of me.

After more than a year together, she told me I had done this early in our relationship, in the first few months. She also pointed to periods when things were going really well. Conversely, I viewed these times as the baseline for us, when our relationship reflected real potential…not a romanticized or fantasy version.

The Weight of Being Misjudged
There were other times and ways when I felt like I was being miscast as someone else. Over time, that fear of being misjudged turned into quiet pressure and anxiety about being accepted and seen for who I actually am. Or worrying if my authentic self will ever been seen and accepted.

The cheating accusations were another source of pain. Small, innocent things, like turning my phone face down or having old, broken laptops and phones around, became symbols of deception for her. I clearly have a problem throwing things away that still might be useful…look at my old workshop. Oh, and those laptops and phones have memories with photos in them. The repeated comments about the boat being clean. It was called “suspicious” many times. I’m not sure what she meant exactly but it felt like an accusation that I’m cleaning to hide something. But she knows I’m messy when I’m by myself and I know she wouldn’t like being in that mess for 2-3 days….so I would clean as best I could to make her comfortable. Individually, these are small things. Collectively, it was a constant message to me saying “I don’t trust you, Owen”.

One moment stands out: she snatched my phone out of my hand to look at a photo I was showing her, and I instinctively took it back. It was a reflex more than a reaction. That split-second movement became ‘evidence’ that I was hiding something. But to me, it was simply a reflex to someone overstepping my physical space and belongings. The meaning assigned to that moment changed how she saw me, and felt so disconnected from what I was actually feeling..

What I Couldn’t Explain Then: Unseen Struggles
By the fall of 2024, the distance between us was growing, parallel my to mental health going backwards. This came after months of positive work rebuilding trust and connection together, writing in our book and making time to talk about our relationship and our future.

The growing distance mirrored my mental decline. My internal chaos was bubbling up. She told me I was lying about the things I had told her during the summer, when we were still writing together in our shared book.

Yes, my attention to writing in our book began to shift. I said many times that something felt wrong inside me, that I didn’t understand why I was getting angry or frustrated so often. That was NOT ME. I was exhausted, sleeping in different places, and struggling to keep focus on anything. I was struggling in all areas of my life feeling like I was drowning a little more each day.  

Looking back, I now recognize these as ADHD traits signalling overwhelm and burnout I didn’t yet understand (I had not been diagnosed). I told her more than once: I need your help to stay on task for this. I said, ‘I need you to drive the bus. I’ll ride it as long as you’re driving.’ I was asking for partnership, not dependence. I remember saying those exact words and thinking of where I borrowed that bus analogy from.

Her not understanding what I needed in this regard was partly my fault. I could have explained myself better or been clearer about how much I needed her to help me continue, once my mind became cluttered with everything else in life.

Yes, I stopped contributing to the book as regularly. I can own my part in letting this process fade….but there was also no mutual push on her end to keep it alive. My efforts mirrored hers. I think she was hesitant to be pushy because she was worried about how I might react. I’m not sure.

The situation was never as simple as not caring. I was overwhelmed, trying to keep my head above water. Instead of acknowledging that, Cris said I was lying…that I was pretending to care in the months prior. I vividly remember her saying, “I believed. I believed,” when we talked about not writing in our book for a while. What she meant was that she “believed the lies” she thought I had told. That broke something in me, because my actions for months had shown how much I wanted us to work. It felt like it erased the effort I’d already made. It affirmed the idea that she wanted everything “fixed” now. It felt like she didn’t care or have the patients to listen or allow me to dig myself out of depression/extreme overwhelm/burnout.

When Vulnerability Is Misunderstood
Another recurring theme was being told I was ‘playing the victim.’ I shared painful stories from my past about my father and about my last relationship. I wasn’t doing this to get sympathy or to excuse behaviour. I wanted her to understand what shaped me, so we could identify and stop unhealthy patterns together. I was trying to build understanding of each other and give her room to open up about things she was hurt by. There were stories from my past that I have never told another soul, not even my brother. Hearing that she thought I was using my pain as a manipulative weapon made me feel unsafe opening up…especially telling her things that I had never told anyone else.

Even after we broke up, my attempts to communicate were misread. The messages and emails I sent were not attempts to get back together. They were efforts to find mutual understanding and repair some of the damage left behind by both of us. The weaponized silence (Cris) and firestorm ending (Owen) wasn’t fair to either of us. It certainly didn’t allow us to reconcile. Even thought I didn’t want to break up, it felt like I didn’t have a choice and was stuck in a corner…..but both of us deserved to walk away peacefully knowing where we went wrong. Her bf explicitly said to me “even if we weren’t in love, she still wouldn’t want you back”. It left me realizing that once a narrative takes hold with her, it can become impossible to correct. There are lots of other examples of this.

What My Cousin Reminded Me
There’s some irony to all of this. On January 22nd, 2024, I talked with my cousin for almost two hours on the phone. We were best friends growing up and were always in trouble together. We don’t see each other much anymore. Usually only at family gatherings. This was a rare phone call between us.

I called him because his birthday is the 24th, the day I went to Cris’s house to talk about our relationship (the eve of the day Cris shut me out and I exploded).  I chose to see Cris instead of going to my cousin’s birthday dinner. There was no pressure from her. It was entirely my choice. I prioritized her far more than I ever got credit for.

On that call, my cousin had me in tears. He’s a tough construction worker type who rarely expresses emotions. He was asking how things are going with my girlfriend. I told him about everything I loved and valued about her. He said I was the most real person he knew. He said of all of our friends we grew up with (there’s a lot), that I’m one of the few that was always authentic and I always followed my own path.

After we hung up, I got upset thinking about Cris. I couldn’t understand why she saw me so differently from how others did. Asking myself, what am I doing that makes Cris think like this? What happened between us? Is there something within Cris that is contributing to this mistrust and creating a skewed version of me? I wanted to ask her when I was at her house, but she was busy with work and French lessons, so we never got the chance.

Just this week, my cousin texted me after seeing something I posted on IG (link). It was a reflection on the summer, all the people I have met recently and my life changes by quitting drinking alcohol.  His text said, “Be proud of what you’ve accomplished. It’s a tough choice and I admire you. I’ve always been proud to call you my cousin. Realest guy I know. I love you, bro.”

Clarity, Not Control
Cris and I have been broken up for nine months. But the hurt feelings of being misrepresented still surface. I ask myself again why someone I used to love and care for so deeply never saw the qualities in me that I hear so often from others? People that have been in my life for decades.

Even this journal project, to her, probably looks like something it’s not. I can’t reason with or change how Cris perceives my intentions anymore…..I never could anyway. What I can control is my own clarity. I don’t want to do what Cris did, by predicting or assuming the worst about someone else’s motives. Cris did that a lot and punished me for things that had NOT happened yet in the future.

So for the emotional part, I’ll end it here. It feels good to get this out. I’m learning to not let it affect me in new connections.
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Part 2 (unfinished)