The Best “First Time” Jack-0-Lantern
Hello Cris,
I hope you’re doing okay and that you got your PR.
Could you please send me any photos you have from when we carved your first jack-o-lantern, or any others from that time? My phone was water-damaged last November, and I lost a lot of memories that still mean a lot to me.
The last couple of months have been difficult at times while I’ve been working on the garage/apartment. Working in that space has reminded me of you a lot and brought up emotions I’m still working through. There are many reasons why, but I’ll only share one.
I viewed this project as a way to ensure our future prosperity and allow us to build dreams together, like a boutique hotel/bed & breakfast on the beach. Those visions of the future are ingrained in my mind.
I want to be clear that I’m not reaching out to reopen our relationship. My emotions are not your responsibility. I know our ideas of closure are different. For me, part of closure means understanding what happened more fully. I continue to do that reflection on my own, but sometimes it feels like I’m making up half the story or memories altered/clouded by emotions.
After we broke up, I told you about some of the very dark thoughts I was having during the last few months of our relationship, when my mental health was badly declining. I’ve learned that sharing those thoughts AFTER we broke up put an unfair emotional burden on you. My intent was to finally be honest about what I had been experiencing alone, to help you understand the depth of my mental struggles. I’ve since worked through that time in my life with professional help, and I’m doing well now.
Therapy and the ADHD diagnosis have helped me make sense of things that used to confuse me or things you would say to me….like why I seemed “dramatic,” defensive, or always overexplaining, especially during conflict. I understand now that much of that came from decades of feeling misunderstood. I’m still learning, but it’s helping me handle emotions and conflict more clearly and peacefully.
Part of my ADHD patterns/traits is a strong need to see fairness and justice, which connects to why I still struggle to let go of my desire to simply talk and listen to you. (Here’s a link if you’re curious.)
You’ve chosen self-protection and still don’t want to speak with me. I’m still learning to accept that and clearly struggling. I do wish our relationship, specifically its ending, had more clarity, calm, and shared understanding than what happened that day. You were right that therapy together would have helped. But I also remember saying many times that everything around me was burning down and I needed to stabilize my life before adding more to my feelings of extreme overwhelm. My therapist agreed with that strategy for me.
A part of me wishes we’d had one last clear conversation; another part is thankful we didn’t, because it’s given me time to learn what I needed to….in case that conversation does ever happen.
I want to move on and have been trying to. I’ve taken ownership of my actions and made a lot of changes in my life since then to make sure I don’t repeat those patterns (like quitting alcohol for good!!). I hope you’ve also been able to make changes that brought you peace.
I don’t expect a response about any of this; I just wanted to share some of the things that have been on my mind lately.
You’re probably asking yourself why I suddenly care about photos of us. Well, obviously Halloween and jack-o-lanterns will remind me of you. The photos I lost meant so much to me and still do. I’ve been trying to honour and reinforce the good I could genuinely see in you and US. I’m not holding on to the past but I’m trying to change how I feel when I’m reminded of it. I understand this is not your burden.
I want to honour the real relationship we had…and not the one we both let it turn into. I realize parts of this come across as an emotional plea…and it is. I used to want a future together so badly, telling myself, “I just need to get through this dark period so we can get back to working on our relationship.” I was a mess inside, but I know I wasn’t romanticizing something false. When I asked myself, “What do i want now and What do I want most?” the answer was: to wake up beside you every day and ask, “What do you need me to do to make your life easier today, tomorrow, and in the future?” I want to remember that version of you, who wanted to give and be served with love. Not the version I manufacture in my head in the end.
I’m trying to learn to let the good memories exist without pain or blame attached to them.
I truly wish you well and hope life has been kind to you. Congratulations again on becoming an official Canadian. I know how important that was to you.
For the photos, you can upload them here:
https://mega.nz/filerequest/GopG-75ciKc
Thank you, Cris.
Despite everything and however long it’s been, I still and will always care and hope you’re doing well.