Money: A Non-Issue Until I Unintentionally Made It One

If someone read my messages on January 25th, they would think money was a major issue in our relationship. It never was – until I unintentionally made it an issue. But what was the source?

On that day, while emotionally and mentally unstable, my mind clouded with obscene amounts of alcohol, my mental “logic” spiral downwards went something like this (along with a list of other false perceptions in my mind):
I feel terrible and need to talk
Cris is refusing to talk and denying me to go see her.
So that means she does not care about me.
If she does not care about me, then why is she with me?
She must be using me.
**Cue the attacks about money**

Where did the idea about money come from? There’s a saying in communications/public relations that if you say something that is false for long enough, that people start to believe it as truth.

Rewinding to about 12 months prior, Cris wrote me a letter that accused me of being a “narcissist”. She gave a few examples in the letter. I know that a narcissist in relationships is a bad bad thing but I didn’t know or understand what that meant. So naturally, I looked online….and what I read/watched made me feel sick. I asked my self “Is this the way Cris sees me? Does she think I’m this kind of monster?”.

When we eventually began to talk about it in person, I was very defensive about this accusation. Cris said that narcissists get defensive when being accused, further reinforcing this idea. I was extremely concerned to the point of talking with a councillor/therapist for almost 3 hours across 3 sessions to discuss just this.

This is where I unintentionally made money an issue. While I was reading about narcissism, the only trait I could identify with was showering their partners with gifts and material things as a form of control. I never did that as a form of control, at least not consciously. I also wouldn’t say I constantly showered Cris with gifts. The occasional clothing item, flowers and a phone that she asked for as an anniversary gift. There were dinners out almost every week, sometimes twice and many concerts/events – all things I would have been doing alone if I was single (yes, I’ve been to many concerts/events by myself – I’m a little weird).

I did take care of %90 of the things we did/saw/went. Cris often offered to pay in the beginning but she quickly learned that I wasn’t going to let her. Her income to living expense ratio living in Toronto was insane compared to mine. I never once with a clear mind thought that Cris was taking advantage of me….in fact quiet the opposite. I could see how grateful and appreciative she was. I could see that she did things within her means and she did treat me when she was able to.

I am extremely fortunate financially and I share that as much as possible with the people around me. I own two house that are rented. My job pays very very well and is as “economy proof” as it can be. I’ve been there for over 9 years and paid more than double what I started with.

I never wanted Cris’s situation to be a barrier for us experiencing things together. If I offered or she seemed interested in something and I took care of it, it was to have shared experiences together and build memories. It was not used for power or hanging over her head.

So how did this become an issue?

Going back to the narcissism accusations and me being defensive, Cris said I was exhibiting narcissistic behaviour by defending myself against these accusations. My position was, I might be defensive but anyone being accused of something that was way off their view of themselves would also be defensive. I created an example regarding money and that’s where things went downhill.

I asked Cris if she thought I used money for control. She said “no”. So I asked, what if I accused you of using me for money and experiences? She became defensive. Of course she was defensive. It was an absurd “accusation” (I was not actually accusing her – this was a “what if” scenario). I tried to reassure her that I do not think this and I’m using it as an example of how someone can naturally be defensive if they’re accused of something that is contradictory to their intent and vision of themselves.

From then onward, any time that Cris would bring up me being a narcissist or my “narcissistic behaviour”, I would remind her about the money conversation and that she needs to find another way to tell me I’m being an asshole – because I’m not a narcissist and it bothered the fucking hell out of me being called one (another post on how this negatively affected our relationship). If I’m an asshole, I’m doing something stupid or inconsiderate or thoughtless or overreacting or feel attacked becoming a defensive asshole. I’m simply doing something that bothers her….and open to listen on how my actions are effecting someone I love. Fucking up and being an asshole does not = narcissism.

It got to the point that I reference this “using me for money” example enough that she freaked out and told me to stop. We both know it’s not true but she was starting to believe that I actually thought this way. I apologized and agreed I will stop….and I did…..until I went on attack mode on January 25th, via text messages and was reaching for every thing big and small to hurt her with.

[insert screen grabs of text messages]

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