Alcohol and Failure – 1 Year Ago Today

One year ago today, I sent you a video in response to a heartbreaking letter you wrote to me. In part of it, I was talking about my relationship with alcohol and how much I needed to change. 



Recently, I was hiding my drinking from you and everyone else in my life from September 2024 for almost over 4 months and was drinking almost every day. I spoke to you on the phone so many times after I drank 3-4 beers and by the end of the night, it would be 8-12…some days, more (and you know I like strong beers). You would say you knew when I was drinking but I’m positive you didn’t. I never told you I wasn’t drinking when I was….but I wasn’t fully honest when I kept telling you that I’m deeply struggling.

I was by myself almost always. A lot of the time, I was being “productive”…as productive as you can be when lying to yourself that you’re being productive. I either drank while working on the boat by myself or in the garage and went inside late at night avoiding Amelia, Aishe and Emir…or Sometimes even just laying in bed. Emir saw all the empty cans I returned the week between Christmas and NYE and was shocked. He thought it was a few years worth of beer cans.

The days I didn’t drink were days I was with you….but that slowly changed. I remember at least 4 times I drank alcohol around you and we got in arguments, between September and January. 

Every day when I started drinking, I’d tell myself….”today is the last day. I need to stop”. But I couldn’t. I told myself the same thing over and over until it destroyed me and contributed to destroying our relationship.

I failed, Cris. I failed you. I failed commitments I made to our relationship. I failed promises I made to myself. 

I don’t completely know how that affected you but it %100 had an effect on you even if you didn’t know I was drinking. I can see how I became neglectful, unmanageable, overbearing, agitated and sometimes, I avoided you as well as avoided almost everyone in my life. You even said multiple times that I was isolating myself from everyone…but we didn’t understand how bad I was getting internally.

I’m so sorry for neglecting your needs. I’m so sorry for making you feel unsafe and insecure. I’m so sorry for hiding my recent drinking from you and breaking your trust. I gave you false hope that I could change by myself. I’m so sorry for the stress, hurt and internal pain I have caused you. I’m so sorry for not living up to your expectations of me and expectations of myself. I’m so deeply sorry for my explosion on January 25th 2025 and March 13th, 2024.

It doesn’t matter how I felt leading up to that day. It doesn’t matter what you did or my trigger points. It doesn’t matter how drunk I was or that I wanted to die or was angry and confused and hurt.

What matters is that I hurt you when I promised I would never do that again…and I failed. My actions hurt you badly.


—– Family —–
I have made an apology video for Stuart, Laura, Tala, Ara and Maria for what I said about them that night. They have been so open, welcoming, generous and loving towards me. I have never experienced anything so heart warming like that in my life.

I don’t know if you told them what I said, but I need to take responsibility and give them the respect they deserve. I’m sure if they knew, they would be disgusted, disappointed and feel disrespected. I wanted to be part of their (yours) family and I said terrible things about people that made me feel part of them. I said horrible things to deliberately hurt one of their family members (you).

Watching the video of me from 1 year ago is almost a carbon copy of how I feel today. In that video, I said I never want to hurt you again. But on January 25th, I attacked your character, your spirituality, your family, your work ethic, your bright soul and spirit – everything that I love about you and your family I tore down.

—– Goodbye —–

I wanted to die the night of January 25th. I truly truly did not want to live anymore. The way I was feeling in the months leading up to that day, I eventually would have mentally broke down if things didn’t change in my life structure. I don’t know how much alcohol contributed to that feeling in that exact moment the night off the 25th, but the scary thing is what I could have done when I was that drunk.

You told me recently that you’re scared of what I’m capable of when I’m drunk….no one has ever said that to me before. After my experience on January 25th coming moments from ending my life, I know exactly what you meant. I am not a naturally angry person. I’m not abusive. I have a kind, gentle heart. I’m compassionate and emphatic to other peoples struggles. I help anyone that needs help – even people I have never met from foreign countries. I treat others with love, care and respect. I am creative, thoughtful and passionate. But the thoughts I was having were complete opposite of who I am – and I finally scared myself enough to not flirt with that line anymore.

I wish I knew a year ago what I know today. I could have saved you so much heartache and pain. Showed you so much more love and kindness. I’d have been more mentally present and aware of my mental decline/depression. I let alcohol control me and didn’t fight it hard enough. 


We were on the path to greatness together with the work we were putting in, until I lost sight of what’s most important and what I wanted most. We would have been starting the rest of our life together this week, after returning from Colombia…. But I failed you.

I’m so sorry I failed you. I hope one day I can confidently tell you I have quit alcohol and I’m PERMANENTLY the person you fell in love with – so far, it’s only been 8 weeks.