Still Believing Our Conversations Matter: Pink Chips and Park Benches

I hope you and your boyfriend are happy. I pray every day that you get your citizenship and build the life you want here.

I want to give you my 5-month AA chip. It was supposed to be pink (my favorite!) but they ran out. So it’s a 6-month one with a “5” in marker.


I’ve been learning a lot recently. Understanding my neurodivergence and how it made me more likely to self-medicate, has made it easy to quit/change. 



I know I made you feel emotionally unsafe at times… probably even now, just reading this.



Regarding my attempts at communication, they have never been to go back to the way things were. 

I used to think my good intentions were enough, but I’ve realized how often I failed to express myself clearly, especially when overwhelmed by intense emotions. (Apparently, I really do feel things more intensely than neurotypical people.)


Therapy has helped me understand me being a little different has given me a wide range of interests, creativity, and the ability to get deeply skilled in anything I’m drawn to. But it’s also been the source of chaos and emotional dysregulation going all the way back to childhood. Ironically, I’ve damaged or even destroyed relationships simply because I didn’t understand this critical part of myself—and didn’t know how to help others understand me either.


I want you to know I’m doing okay now. The dark thoughts don’t run the show anymore. I don’t feel like I’m spiralling every day. Even in nightmare Toronto traffic, I don’t get irritated/angry. I’m still driving there often, but I arrive calm without trying to be calm.


I ask myself every day why I still feel the need to reach out to you…I know it’s not healthy to keep trying and your silence is loud. But I remember you telling me on a park bench when we broke up once before…“You have to fight if you believe.”



I’ll forever believe our conversations matter, even though I decided to end my hopes and dreams for our future together on January 25th.