Goodbye – Flight Home (voice note & video)
Voice note
Today, your first day back from Colombia, will be the last time I email you in an attempt to find answers from you.
I want you to be happy and feel filled with love…even if it’s not with me. You deserve it. In Wales, they would say you have a heart of gold, Welsh gold. You deserve to be polished, adored and celebrated, not buried under pressure…the pressure I was creating in my head and projecting towards you constantly.
Today was supposed to be the first day of the rest of our lives together after arriving back from Colombia – I dreamed of proposing to you there. I dreamed of our future together everyday for so long, since the autumn of 2023…long before I told you I wanted to propose. That was part of the reason I created so much pressure and stress inside my head from late summer until I exploded on Jan 25th.
As time when on from when I told you I wanted to propose, it felt like the distance between us was growing. It felt like our relationship was dying a little more each day…I knew I was part of the problem and couldn’t contribute to what was needed. I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt so hopeless, useless, frustrated and self destructive. I was trying so hard but still failing at everything in my life around me and sliding deeper into a depression.
The pressure I internalized was immense. I envisioned our relationship getting back to where it needed to be and where our normal baseline is. But I could see it failing in real time, like everything else in my life. I created a firestorm inside my head and it felt impossible to overcome.
I’m sorry that I have been bothering you so much. It feels like you have answers that will help me understand and be better. I hope you saw in a previous letter that I’m seeking professional help for my suicidal thoughts and actions on January 25th…and you understand why it’s not your fault.
Part of me hoped that the Cris I saw as such a caring person might still care enough to help bring closure to two people that loved each other deeply, even though life circumstances and mental health got in the way of giving/receiving that love. It’s not your responsibility and I hold no grudges for you doing what is best for you to protect your own emotions and well-being.
One day, when I feel like I’ve made great progress and resolved my personal issues, I hope I can share those changes with you. The Cris I know and love (not the one I manufactured inside my head on January 25th), the Cris I love would be happy to hear those things and proud that I am permanently ME – not the monster that depression, anxiety and alcohol created….even if we have both moved on.
I hope that I can one day hear about all the life progress and wonderful things you are doing. I want to know you’re in a loving and stable relationship that fulfills your life in ways I was failing at providing.
With a broken heart, goodbye, Cris.
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix myself fast enough.
With love.
-Owen