The Meltdown

It was slowly building up inside me for months – More anxiousness. More frustration. More hopelessness. More and more uncontrollable tears for no “real” reason. More internal pressure. More and more wanting it all to end.

Extreme negative emotions finally blew up in the most disgusting, heartbreaking and deeply concerning behaviour I have ever displayed. I badly ripped apart and hurt someone I loved with words written in fury. The intent was to inflict as much pain as I was feeling – a retaliatory skill I learned from my previous relationship and I had lots of opportunity to practice.

A therapist said to me “When you’re in the tornado, all you can see is the stuff flying around. You have to reach out through it. Someone will see it and grab your hand”.

I was deep in the tornado and couldn’t reach.

I began writing my “goodbye letter” for one specific person – Cris. Most of that night is a blur but I remember feeling guilt. I wanted her to know it wasn’t her fault for my decision. I didn’t want to live.

Through the mess of emotions and alcohol, I was looking for someone to blame. I blamed her for abandoning me when I desperately needed to talk with her. Rational thought processes were long gone.

In those moments, I blamed Cris for the pain I felt and blamed her for not listening to me for months. I blamed “God”. I blamed her family for turning Cris against me. I blamed anything to do with Cris. Inside my head, her refusal to speak to me that evening for no reason showed she didn’t care. Never cared. And even worse, pretended to care for her own benefit to use me. It felt real.

Most of this was manufactured inside my head. I didn’t have answers. The person that could help bring rational thought processes back wouldn’t answer her phone. I continued to spiral. It wasn’t her fault for how I felt but she was wrong to stonewall me, completely shutting me out for no reason. She didn’t know how bad I was inside, so I don’t blame her for her actions making me feel exponentially worse at a rapid pace. What she did was still very wrong and emotionally abusive. Both can be true and Cris had no clue that thoughts of suicide were growing inside me that day.

[more…]