Feeling “Seen”: The 7.5 Hour Phone Marathon
I’m logging a text note I sent a new friend this afternoon. It deserves a preface for context.
I do not like talking on the phone and treat it “as needed”. This created conflict in my past relationships, especially with Cris. I had to make HUGE efforts to meet her needs and step way beyond what feels natural to me. There were many times I disappointed her and let her down. But I continued to make efforts to change because I could tell it meant a lot to her, even though it was a weirdly difficult thing for me to do.
Recently, with my new friend Annabelle, we’ve been having phone call marathons that keep getting longer and longer. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been craving deeper human connection since last September, when my mental health really started taking a downturn. My alcohol consumption, when no one was around and no one was looking, absolutely prevented me from having that connection with others, especially within my relationship.
Since I’ve quit drinking at the end of January, that craving has been growing even stronger, especially as I can feel my brain regaining it’s old form and having far more clear mind. The more I’m reading and watching self development stuff, the more I want to bond with other humans in a more meaningful way. This is not a new thing for me. But the intensity and level of desire has reached all-time highs.
The other component and driver to these lengthy phone conversations is how Annabelle makes me feel. Every time we’ve talked on the phone it has literally gone hours. Like 2-3 hours long. Last night, we were on the phone for over 7 hours with zero silence! SEVEN AND A HALF!!
So I just want to document this because of how “odd” it is for me and how big of a sign/green flag it is. Both for my own personal development and how wonderful this new connection has been.
The note I sent is below with a few inside sexual jokes removed haha.
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There’s something you said to me last night that I’ve been thinking about today. I want to thank you for it.
You said it sounds like I’m still trying to have my ex understand me about things I felt and know I was misunderstood about. You also said some people simply won’t have the ability to understand me.
I’ve been crying for a good 25 minutes thinking about the past and future. They’ve been both good and bad tears.
I’ve been reflecting on all the times I felt unheard and misunderstood—how it led to relationship conflict and turmoil inside my own heart and mind. These were the ‘bad tears,’ born from frustration and resentment, and I wish that I had recognized how deeply it affected me at the time.
The ‘good tears’ come from knowing that you have the ability to hear me and make me feel understood. I can’t fully pinpoint why, and honestly, the ‘why’ doesn’t matter as much. What matters is that even when my intentions are unclear, I know you’ll make the effort to listen, explore, and understand me to the best of your ability.
You’ve made me feel so safe that I’ve been able to open up to you quickly—far more than I expected—and without any fear of judgment.
I just want to thank you—for your words, for our conversations, and for being so kind, gentle, caring, and hilarious.
I’m excited to continue exploring this wherever it leads us and whatever happens.
I’m happy to take things slow, and I want you to take whatever steps you need to protect yourself and your girls.
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Annabelle replied
Aw Owen!
Thank you so so much for your message
I’m in the bathroom of a deli in mimico (we walked all the way here!). I’m out with friends. So I cannot write very much.
But I was just thinking about you. I’ve been thinking a lot about you all day!
It’s funny. I came to the bathroom because most people get me a bit tired after a while so I needed a little break.
But talking to you makes me feel excited and energized!
I also feel like you understand me, you know?
Sometimes you’ll make a comment after something I said and I’m like. Whoaaaa. I hadn’t thought about it that way. And I feel like you help me understand myself in 3D (hahah. I don’t know how to explain this. But you give me new perspectives!)
I was just also thinking while walking with my friends that I’m just excited to continue getting to know you and to have adventures with you! I’m excited to spend time with you. I’m just excited and grateful that I met you.
Later….another sweet text from Annabelle….
I just got to bed. I had such an awesome day.
I just wanted to thank you again for your earlier note. You really touched my heart!
I had mentioned before how much I admire the way in which you prioritize building and deepening relationships in your life. I love your communication style.
It makes me feel so close to you when you say that you feel safe with me.
I’ve been enjoying learning about your journey so so much. And telling you about mine! It’s a pleasure getting to know you.
We’re early in this discovery process, but I feel really warm feelings towards you
I like you, Owen!
I’m going to bed. Have a happy night!
Annebella is a very special person.
A small part of me wishes Cris would see me this way so I could say “SEE Cris! The Owen you met and early in our relationship and the Owen during the good times later on is the real Owen. The Owen that was drinking when he was stressed and poisoning himself was not the real me. And the biggest mistake of your life wasn’t the decision to move with me. It was not listening to me when I was calling for help.”
There were multiple times when Cris accused me of bascially pretending to be someone she wanted me to be, just to appease her. It hurt a lot…because that version of Owen is the real Owen, not the poisoned, self-destructive Owen.
But ultimately, Annebelle is right. Some people will just never understand me. Even though Cris had my entire heart, she never completely understood me and felt like sometime she refused to. I tried to “reach her” during one of the lowest periods of my life. Because of that, maybe she doesn’t deserve me.
Thankfully, I’m never going to be the self-destructive version of Owen again. Annabelle can already see that.