High Park Date – Friday Night AA – Wicked or Weird?

There has been a trend of me writing sentences over the last 3-4 months that are bizarre yet deeply meaningful. This next sentence is in that bag. I went on a Friday night date to the High Park Group AA meeting. Yes, that High Park on Bloor and yes, that Alcoholics Anonymous.

It was a few days shy of me quitting alcohol 4 months ago.

After the meeting, we talked for hours. It was refreshing to feel safe talking with someone about hurtful things I’ve done. They could see the remorse and deep regret but also told me to stop being so hard on myself. They held me up by acknowledging my efforts towards righting my wrongs and commended my ability to look inward. My entire adult life, I have been very self aware, introspective and incredibly self-critical in my pursuit of self-improvement. Alcohol stole those character traits from me many times during many periods.

It was a relief sharing vulnerable stories about things my dad has done that destroyed me, along with past relationship issues that triggered drinking alcohol to cope – feelings of relief all without worries she will accuse me of “wanting to be the victim”. She could tell it was difficult for me to forgive my dad and other people long ago. Somehow I still managed to show compassion and try to rebuild my relationship with him…again.

My heart felt loved knowing exposing things that massively hurt me in past, wouldn’t be twisted in to me being a “narcissist”. I heard things like “I’m glad you told me that”, “Thank you for sharing”, “This must be difficult to talk about”. Their response made me feel connected to them, with oxytocin flowing inside my brain. I asked myself why this felt so important and productive to talk about?

I still feel very confused by Cris’s reaction when I shared the exact same stories. She accused me of wanting to be a victim and being a narcissist. It felt good to share these difficult stories with Cris, like I was showing her inner pain she never witnessed me experience. Talking makes it easier to deal with – until the confusing accusation happened. After that, it was difficult to share any type of pain. When I did, it was bottled up energy and usually came out in abruptly overwhelming ways. When people tell difficult stories from their past, they usually are the victim.

I didn’t realize until therapy how deep of an effect those accusations had on me (by extension, our relationship) when communicating thoughts, feeling and events that made me emotional. When I was trying to express my mental decline that started late August/early September 2024 until January 2025, I held 90-95% of it back for fear of being misunderstood again. Recently, I’ve been fighting against that hesitation and sharing everything from my soul. I’ve accepted that it’s the listeners choice on what they do with that information and my choice how I receive their reactions.

It took long conversations in therapy to reaffirm sharing these stories with anyone I want to share my life with is the right thing to do. Deep, meaningful relationships with strong connections, have the ability to be vulnerable as a foundational element. I instinctively knew this and tried to be my authentic self, sharing pain in a bid to connect on a deeper level with Cris. I just wish I understood Cris’s view on why she felt I was trying to be a victim when I shared vulnerable things. I’ve been trying to understand how my emotional expression might have come across, especially when I was unclear or inconsistent. I wish I could revisit those conversations and dissect them with brutal self-honesty. But that process is impossible by myself.

I don’t blame her for many of our misunderstandings even though sometimes it’s difficult to remind myself Cris always had good/pure intentions when actions/words caused damage. I’ve been learning how confusing I was during periods I was consuming alcohol frequently. With this insight, I have been vigilant in telling new potential relationships that I can be confusing when I express myself and potentially being unintentionally emotionally manipulative. With alcohol now permanently removed from my life, along with my awareness and renewed effort to learn, I don’t foresee this being an issue. BUT this must have affected Cris’s level of trust in me even if by definition I was not being manipulative (says my therapist – intent matters for accusations).

Like most of my journal writing, video and audio notes, I’ve wandered away from what I began writing about with this post (probably the neurodivergent/ADHD brain). When I was drinking frequently, the alcohol helped quiet down my inner dialog that often has multiple streams of thought colliding. I was lying to myself that it helped keep me on track but now I know it was just numbing me and preventing true mental productivity.

I’m sure this won’t be the last AA date night. Although I still feel like AA is not the best solution for me, I understand the ways it helps ME. I’m taking what works, leaving the rest there, and soooo thankful that my date night friend is incredibly supportive in the way I need. If Cris could have heard us, I think she would be happy for me and proud of my progress.

Since committing to quitting alcohol for the rest of my left, I have seen more progress in emotional analysis in the last 4 months than I have seen in the last 4 years. I am the same person. Just now, the good qualities are shining 100% of the time instead of 35%.