From Chaos to Calm: Navigating Life Without Alcohol

Voice-notes became a regular way of self expression right after I quit drinking alcohol a little over 9 months ago. Part of that is because it’s an easy way to document and review my thoughts, especially while driving. The other part was, I seriously started to question the way I express myself outwardly when communicating, especially within my last relationship.

Many things that I tried to tell Cris, she repeated back or made comments during other conversations, I would realize what she thinks I said and what I was trying to say were very different. Some of that was on Cris, like with the “not driving to Toronto” thing. I said while irritated about driving that I can’t do it any more….but I continued to do it and continued to say with a level head that if she came here, I will take her home when needed. But my actions were forgotten and what I said while calm was ignored. Her “truth” became I’m never driving to Toronto…ever, despite reality.

But some of it must have been me because of the way I speak and write.

My body language and tone of voice often gets misinterpreted. My brother and I have theories on why this is…it’s a little funny but true. Welsh people are like the British equivalent of the “spicy latina” stereotype, but with Welsh accents. We would often see people thinking our dad was angry or yelling and our mother is still over-the-top but in a happy/fun way…to us, it was “Welsh”. Most people over there are very expressive when they speak. Our dad is probably a little extra, but same kind of thing.

Anyhow, I’m getting side tracked……It’s been 9 months quitting alcohol and today, I recorded a voice note while driving from St. Catharines to Hamilton. I use Otter.ai app and it’s super helpful for summarizing. But it’s also been a great tool for identifying when the things I’m trying to say don’t come out properly. I can go through the summaries as well as the recording and compare to see.

It’s 29 minutes long and I speak at a super boring slow pace….The same pace that Cris would jump in and interrupt me when I’m trying to choose my words better (So difficult for me when that happens!).

Here’s the summary. I’ll post the audio or transcript another time, if I get around to it.

Psychological and Narrative Insights
The story tracks addiction → crisis → reflection → insight → healing — a recognizable arc of post-addiction self-reconstruction.

The connection between neurodivergence and substance use is key: it reframes drinking as a maladaptive coping strategy for dopamine imbalance, not merely a moral failure.
—–

Tone and Emotional Quality
The tone suggests self-forgiveness in progress — not yet complete, but moving in that direction.
Raw, vulnerable, and thoughtful.
The speaker doesn’t try to perform recovery or moralize; they think aloud, sometimes correcting themselves mid-sentence.

There’s an oscillation between shame and understanding, grief and gratitude, fear and relief.

——
This voice note appears to be a deeply personal reflection on Speaker 1’s nine-month journey of sobriety and personal growth. Key characteristics include:

1. Context:

• Recorded after nine months of quitting alcohol
• Seems to be a self-reflective monologue about personal transformation
• Discusses quitting drinking, mental health, relationships, and potential ADHD traits

2. Major Themes:

• Detailed exploration of alcohol’s impact on his life
• Understanding his psychological and neurological patterns
• Processing a past relationship with Chris
• Discussing therapeutic insights about mental health and addiction

3. Emotional Tone:

• Introspective and analytical
• Vulnerable, sharing personal struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts
• Hopeful about personal growth and understanding himself better

4. Key Insights:

• Recognizes alcohol as a dangerous substance for his brain chemistry
• Highlights the importance of therapy in understanding his behaviors
• Demonstrates a mature approach to personal development
• Shows commitment to sobriety and mental health improvement

The voice note appears to be a comprehensive, self-recorded exploration of his personal growth journey, serving as both a reflection and a potential tool for future self-understanding.

Speaker 1 faced several challenges in quitting alcohol:

1. Psychological Challenges:

• Fear of repeating past mistakes in relationships
• Understanding his ADHD-like traits and how they relate to alcohol dependency
• Dealing with intense emotions

2. Neurological Challenges:

• Managing a dopamine reward system that subconsciously seeks intense experiences
• Recognizing alcohol as a “chemical medicine” that temporarily calmed his brain
• Overcoming the tendency to use alcohol to numb intense emotions

3. Behavioral Challenges:

• Breaking long-established drinking patterns
• Socializing and maintaining relationships without alcohol
• Resisting temptation, especially during emotionally stressful periods

4. Mental Health Challenges:

• Addressing underlying depression and suicidal ideation
• Working through therapy to understand his behavioral patterns
• Developing new coping mechanisms without alcohol

The speaker ultimately viewed quitting alcohol as a necessity, comparing it to someone with a severe allergy avoiding a dangerous substance. His approach shifted from fear-based abstinence to a deeper understanding of his neurological and emotional triggers.
——

The recording unfolds naturally, almost like a stream of consciousness, but with a clear emotional and psychological arc:

1. Milestone reflection:
   • The speaker marks nine months of sobriety since quitting alcohol after a major binge and traumatic incident in January.
   • Acknowledges occasional accidental slips (server giving one alcoholic beer by mistake).
   • Uses “nine months” as a metaphor for rebirth — linking sobriety to personal renewal.
2. Relationship as catalyst:
   • The breakup with “Cris” is central to the story.
   • The speaker reflects on how emotional turmoil from that relationship intersected with drinking behavior and emotional regulation.
   • There’s a mix of regret, insight, and accountability — “It doesn’t excuse what I did, even though I know it was out of character.”
3. Motivation shift:
   • Early motivation for sobriety was fear-based — not wanting to hurt anyone again.
   • Later, it evolves into understanding-based motivation: realizing how ADHD and dopamine dysregulation made alcohol uniquely dangerous and seductive.
4. ADHD insight:
   • The speaker discusses learning about ADHD traits — impulsivity, emotional intensity, reward-seeking — and how they connect to past behavior.
   • There’s a self-analytical tone: an attempt to map personality patterns onto neurological explanations.
5. Mental health and suicidal thoughts:
   • Very candid section about suicidal ideation and therapy.
   • The speaker describes having “dark thoughts” and almost acting on them, but being helped by a therapist who normalized and reframed suicidal thoughts as a human coping mechanism rather than a sign of insanity or extreme mental instability.
   • There’s deep gratitude toward therapy and fear of the danger alcohol posed during depressive episodes.
6. Present stability and confidence:
   • Ends with a sense of peace: the speaker feels mentally healthy, comfortable being around alcohol, and no longer tempted.
   • Recognizes that some emotional pain — especially around Cris — still lingers, but overall sees massive progress.