Three years later – Same problems. Never Completely Healed.

I came across old photos exactly 3 years ago when I started renovating my basement in St. Catharines, about 6 months before Cris and I started dating. It made me realize that so much has happened in my life but I’m in almost the exact same situation. Feeling the affects of depression (different causes). Feeling a mix of healthy anxiousness and excitement for a renovation project. Struggling with alcohol abuse. Feeling the massive effects of a break up. This time, it was with someone I truly truly love and not someone that made me think I loved them.

What I did to Cris via text on January 25th, 2025, I learned from Brittany. She did the exact same thing on December 25th, 2021 – Christmas Day…in front of my family and verbally berated my family too. I’m not justifying the hurtful things I texted Cris. It was wrong and I crossed the line. I’m being honest with myself and know I learned that from Brittany. That’s how she was regularly. Having arguments like that was a monthly/bi-weekly thing and she loved to verbally attack and throw an object or two across the house.

I thought that unacceptable behaviour was past me, and for the most part it is. Except it brewed to the surface twice. March 13th and the recent time.

Among the renovation photos, there was a picture with my hand holding pieces of broken glass. They were shards of glass from 4 months earlier. I found them while ripping apart my house. In December 2021, my ex Brittany, who was living with me at the time, decided to start attacking me while we were arguing. She began throwing glasses and mugs at me….I had to leave the house.

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Seeing those pieces of glass reminded me of many things that happened in that relationship and how it changed me. I thought I had dealt and addressed those changes but they would occasionally show up in my relationship with Cris, like those two nights that I turned in to a crazy, vindictive, hurtful and incredibly drunk person. I know what the triggers are but when I have been blackout drunk, I can’t control my reaction to those triggers…

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