There were many moments when Cris’s reactions made me feel unseen, like my intentions were being rewritten into something unrecognizable. I want to separate two things here. The first is emotional: my unfiltered, imperfect reaction to feeling misunderstood. The second part (still unfinished below) is analytical: what those moments reveal about how we both communicated,…
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Introduction – Why I’m Writing This I have learned through therapy and my own “self development” that sharing extremely difficult experiences from the past is a way we can be vulnerable in relationships. Vulnerability creates bonds and closeness. It helps us understand and appreciate our partner more. Sharing these things helps us pause when there…
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Addition: There’s a good chunk of voice notes and video diaries that are relevant to my birthday and relationships. Thinking I’ll try to comb through them and add some stuff here.—https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17K44i3Yeq/?mibextid=wwXIfr—- I don’t know why this memory stuck with me but it did….and it happened exactly one year ago today, on September 22nd. It was…
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HER LAST WORDS – PART 1This is how I experience her last words to me. Below post written in one stream of thought while overly emotional. It’s an exercise in regulating myself when feeling turbulent. There are minor changes/additions for clarity. Following my “emotional rant” is a more rational breakdown of some of my thoughts…
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DRAFT – ADHD is incredibly misunderstood in the public sphere, my self included. My perceptions of this condition were wildly inaccurate. I’m learning with more clarity on how the way my brain works and viewing things from the perspective of clinically diagnosed ADHD Cris expressed something early in our relationship that I now realize had…
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Part 1 of 2 (maybe more) https://www.instagram.com/reel/DNGOkzEgMu4/?igsh=eGlqOWE1OG5ybmgy Dr. Georgia Ede from Diary of a CEO podcast: People with ADHD are at much higher risk for suicidal ideation, substance abuse (especially alcohol). Higher risk for accidents. Higher risk for depression and anxiety. When undiagnosed, twice the rate of divorce. First, my emotional rant, in this Part…
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Mental Health + ContextI went almost two full weeks without my anti-depressant medication because of a backorder/supply issue. Around day 5 or 6 I started to really feel the shift. This medication, especially at the higher dosage I’m on, causes withdrawal effects if stopped suddenly. I knew that. Cris knew that. I just didn’t know…
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I want to thank you for helping send me on a path to finally eliminate my problems with drinking and my relationship with alcohol. It’s been almost 7 months and alcohol stays in the fridge when people leave things behind. I still sit in bars a lot but I happily drink non-alcoholic beers. I still…
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I hope you and your boyfriend are happy. I pray every day that you get your citizenship and build the life you want here. Today I received my 5-month AA chip. It was supposed to be pink (my favorite!) but they ran out. So it’s a 6-month one with a “5” in marker.
I’ve been…
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There has been a trend of me writing sentences over the last 3-4 months that are bizarre yet deeply meaningful. This next sentence is in that bag. I went on a Friday night date to the High Park Group AA meeting. Yes, that High Park on Bloor and yes, that Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a…
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When it comes to conversations about loyalty, commitment and faithfulness, my views/feelings towards relationship dynamics are almost always misunderstood. It’s made for interesting conversations while dating in the past and even more on these recent dating adventures. Being ambiamorous (subscribing to both polygamy and monogamy) is difficult to explain to someone that lives inside the…
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They gave me celebratory chips today—24 Hours, 1 month, 2 month and 3 months since quitting alcohol. It’s been exactly three months since I made the decision to quit. But I don’t feel proud. Because I remember what pushed me to quit: staring death in the face… and wanting to join “him“. Because I know…
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I’m logging a text note I sent a new friend this afternoon. It deserves a preface for context. I do not like talking on the phone and treat it “as needed”. This created conflict in my past relationships, especially with Cris. I had to make HUGE efforts to meet her needs and step way beyond…
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This post should be prefaced to clarify assumptions about the intent of these kinds of post talking about new dating adventures. This is not an attempt at making someone jealous – I want Cris to find what she needs and deserves to feel fulfilled and be happy. This is both for my own memory as…
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Despite my noble quest for redemption, I became the anti-hero in my own story. Maybe even the villain. I set out to right wrongs—mine and hers. A relationship littered with broken pieces asking to be reassembled, like tabletop puzzle with an unclear image of the future.
I’m always confident I can fix anything. Houses, motorcycles,…
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Link to Text messages from my January 25th meltdown here.
[Unfinished] Although confusing and surprising to hear, learning that I might have adult ADHD can help explain a lot in my life and guide my therapy journey. Most importantly, it can help develop strategies to prevent me from unintentionally creating chaos in my life. Unintentionally creating a laundry list of chaos absolutely had an effect…
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A common theme in relationship books/self help guides is that being vulnerable leads to deeper connection. There is an entire section about being more vulnerable in this book here. When I began my slide downwards, what was I doing that did not allow my calls for help to be heard? Is this my fault for…
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Self Talk – Guilt for Not Watering My Flower or Myself (April 8th)I realized over the winter of 2023/2024, that to create real free time, I had to give up my hobbies including my spiritual place – the garden. It was impossible to have space in my life for emergency situations, like replacing a water…
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I feel most alive when I’m being creative and exploring my curiosities. I could see the same radiate from Cris when she danced. You could see her soul and lust for life. Even singing and dancing in the passenger seat of my dirty car, her bright spirit would outshine the brightest day. In my youth,…
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At work, my team lead said something that instantly made me tear up and get emotional on a phone call this morning. My manager (different person) noticed signs back in December that something is not right with me. I was forgetting equipment all the time, missed/late for appointments, abnormal productivity and generally not in a…
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Voice note Today, your first day back from Colombia, will be the last time I email you in an attempt to find answers from you. I want you to be happy and feel filled with love…even if it’s not with me. You deserve it. In Wales, they would say you have a heart of gold,…
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My father has been a “sober alcoholic” for 35 years. My mother moved to Canada with him when she was 7 months pregnant with me. They had no social network and only a job offer for my dad. He was physically and verbally abusive when he drank. Football and bar fights with his friends in…
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Possibly the biggest year and opportunity of my life (so far) to improve my (by extension our) future financial security. Could I have completed the project if our relationship was “whole”? Was it really a choice between a relationship now and a secure future later or did I manufacture that in my own head? If…
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If someone read my messages on January 25th, they would think money was a major issue in our relationship. It never was – until I unintentionally made it an issue. But what was the source? On that day, while emotionally and mentally unstable, my mind clouded with obscene amounts of alcohol, my mental “logic” spiral…
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One year ago today, I sent you a video in response to a heartbreaking letter you wrote to me. In part of it, I was talking about my relationship with alcohol and how much I needed to change.
Recently, I was hiding my drinking from you and everyone else in my life from September…
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I came across old photos exactly 3 years ago when I started renovating my basement in St. Catharines, about 6 months before Cris and I started dating. It made me realize that so much has happened in my life but I’m in almost the exact same situation. Feeling the affects of depression (different causes). Feeling…
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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It represented our worst times but most importantly, it shined a light on our unlimited potential together. Some of my most valued conversations with Cris were while we had extremely difficult conversations and documented the results in our book. To me, that was our relationship – two people who love each other deeply, willing to…
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Pre-fightingPredicting and stating negative reactions BEFORE the “event” happened: What effect did this have on the relationship? How can someone say another person is going to be angry at a certain time when that person has done the same thing dozens of times without being angry? Random example: Telling someone they will be annoyed if…
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